Hit Me With Your Worst Shot

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees for 2022 have been announced, and they will be formally inducted in Los Angeles (wait isn't the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland? Ahh, well, so were the Rams) on November 5. Rather than wait until then to offer my comments on the nominees, I'm going to do it now.  And not because November 5 is my birthday - my last Saturday birthday until 2033 - and I plan to be out celebrating that night (yeah, right!), but for another reason I will reveal at the end of this post.

First, let me tell you who didn't get inducted - Kate Bush, Beck, the MC5, Rage Against the Machine, or the New York Dolls. Which actually makes sense - because when you hold the induction ceremony in LA, those are the last acts guaranteed to sell tickets to it.  As further proof that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is more about celebrity than about artistry (well, it is a hall of "fame"), let's look at who was inducted for 2022, possibly the lamest induction class in over a decade:

Dolly Parton.  She's not rock and roll.  Even she says she's not rock and roll.  She asked the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to withdraw her nomination. But they didn't listen!

Pat Benatar.  A boring singer who mostly sang about broken hearts with just-add-water AOR arrangements. Guys who were horny teenage boys in the eighties who were turned on by dames in spandex outfits are the only ones who will applaud this.

Eminem.  Black or white, all rappers should be ineligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because they are, aesthetically, as much rock and roll as Dolly Parton.

Eurythmics.  Annie Lennox deserves too be inducted as a solo artist for her impeccable work. Dave Stewart deserves to be inducted as producer for his work with Ringo Starr, Bryan Ferry and Tom Petty, among others.  But they shouldn't be inducted as the Eurythmics. "Would I Lie To You?" is the only worthy record they ever made together.  As a duo, they're the anti-Loggins and Messina - they function better separately than together. 

Lionel Richie.  Look, I'll admit that Lionel Richie can rock out in subtle ways.  "Easy (Like Sunday Morning)," his 1977 hit with the Commodores, is a power ballad that would fit in snugly on AOR radio.  His solo hit "All Night Long" from 1983 is an infectious pop-rock tune you could imagine Phil Collins covering.  But he's put out so many soppy ballads that there's a reason why I call him the Motown Manilow. 

Carly Simon.  I'm on the fence about this one.  I like her hit singles, expect for "You're So Vain," which I love.  But does she rock out enough?  Probably more than her ex-husband James Taylor, but it's a tough call.  I'm inclined to say yes to this one.

Duran Duran.  I . . . think the world just ended.

Some of the award recipients in the subcategories are another mess.  Because Judas Priest couldn't get in as full-fledged inductees, they were given a Musical Excellence Award for 2022 along with R&B songwriters and producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis.  Is Dave Marsh still on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's board?  Because I would love to know how the man who once said Judas Priest was "for lovers of recycled Led Zeppelin riffs only" explains this.

Calypso singer Harry Belafonte and the late folk-blues guitarist and singer Elizabeth Cotten both get the 2022 Early Influence Award, which makes sense, and giving producer Jimmy Iovine an Ahmet Ertegun Award makes sense as well, but giving the Ahmet Ertegun Award to singer turned hip-hop mogul Sylvia Robinson does not.  (She wasn't even a great singer.)  And that same award is also going to . . .  Allen Grubman?  A lawyer?  Because his clients include pop stars such as Bruce Springsteen, Madonna and Mariah Carey? What did he represent them in, their divorce cases? Actually, he's getting it because he is, as Newsweek once called him, "perhaps the music industry's wealthiest and most powerful attorney."  Oh.

So why am I going through all of this now instead of waiting until November?  I've long since been resigned to the fact that my criticisms of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame don't matter, and I know that the Hall is considered sacrosanct enough by so many people that for Dolly Parton to refuse her induction despite her own wishes would be like a cardinal refusing the papacy after being chosen for it.  But the direction of the Hall has been hijacked by proponents of a broader definition of rock and roll who want to include popular music that doesn't have the slightest resemblance to rock and who want to "own the rockists" - that is, drive crazy those of us WTFing all over social media when someone like a pop diva or a rapper gets inducted at the expense of classic-rock stalwarts who won't even get nominated. Since most rockists tend to be white guys who grew up listening to AOR in the seventies and eighties who prefer a Leslie West guitar riff to a Kanye West autotuning, owning the rockists has become a popular indoor sport.

Therefore . . . I'm through commenting on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Don't expect me to bring it up in 2023, 2024 or beyond.  Even if Jethro Tull do get inducted (yeah, right!).  It's too late for that.  I've had enough.  The Hall's board members' refusal to abide by Dolly Parton's wishes and remove her from contention shows what a bunch of pricks they really are.  Jimmy Guterman and Owen O'Donnell said it for all time: "The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is an oxymoron. If you want your work to be recognized in a museum, learn to paint."

So . . . I think I'll be . . . I'm quitting . . .  Rock and Roll Hall of Fame commentary now.  

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was originally established to honor rock and roll performers but has since gone on to include performers representing a variety of pop styles.  See you 'round the clubs. 😛