My Letter to Senator Andy Kim (D-NJ)

Last time I checked, I still don't have a country, I still have a state, and, having written a letter to my state's senior U.S. Senator, Cory Booker regarding the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico, I have since written a letter to the newly junior U.S. Senator from New Jersey, Andy Kim, about the Department Of Governmental Efficiency.   That letter is below. As with my letter to Senator Booker, this isn't an open letter to the senator buts an actual letter I sent - both postally and online to Senator Kim's office.

*

Dear Senator Kim:

First, let me congratulate you on your win in the 2024 U.S. Senate election. I am certain you will be a great representative for the state of New Jersey.

That out of the way, I would like to share with you my concerns about the Department Of Governmental Efficiency. I am very upset with how much the department is slashing government spending.

It should slash it even more.

I feel like our money has been spent foolishly for far too long and, if anything, General Secretary Elon Musk is not cutting expenditures nearly half enough. He should at least find another $2 trillion worth of savings.

What’s more distressing is that the savings are going to tax cuts for the wealthy. Shouldn’t any savings instead be diverted to more worthy projects than geodetic surveys and development grants for children’s playgrounds. I’m 59 – what do I need a playground for? (Besides, the public playground I used to play at when I visited my grandparents in Orange was closed to drill a municipal well on the site back in 1971!) Therefore, I propose that the federal government use the money for projects that have been ignored for far too long.

First, Bigfoot. Despite photographic evidence that the hairy monster actually exists, the federal government has never investigated this reoccurring phenomenon in the Pacific Northwest. I propose that not only should the United States look for Bigfoot, but it should also do so in a joint mission with Canada, where he is called Sasquatch. It would go a long way to repair relations with our northern neighbors.

Next, infrastructure. Not only do we have so many bridges in disrepair, but there are bodies of waters and chasms that have never been spanned at all. Like the Atlantic Ocean. I support a vehicular bridge across the Atlantic that would connect the United States to Portugal on the Iberian Peninsula, and since it is due east of New Jersey, it would provide an excellent opportunity for federal money for the state to build the bridge’s western terminus. It would also provide new travel possibilities for people who are afraid of flying. Spare no expense.

And, any money left over should be used to build a bullet train to connect Hawaii with the mainland, as suggested in the Green New Deal proposal to replace all air travel with high-speed rail.

Also, there should be money to develop more environmentally friendly ways of measuring time based on solar and electric power. That’s why I support a portion of the savings General Secretary Musk has realized to go to research on electric sundials. The electric sundial is the wave of the future.

Now, about the administration of the Department Of Governmental Efficiency. General Secretary Musk has employed immature males under the age of 25 to help him in his endeavors. How are they being compensated? Is General Secretary Musk feeding them? Are their cells cleaned regularly? And when was the last time they changed their underwear? This demands an investigation by the House Government Efficiency Committee and its Senate counterpart.

Finally, General Secretary Musk himself. He has proven to be an excellent co-president in the current regime, and not since the Roman Republic has a dual executive branch worked so effectively. I propose that in the event that Mr. Trump cannot complete his term, we should combine the offices of Department Of Governmental Efficiency General Secretary and President into a new office – the Grand Potentate of the United States, and let Mr. Musk take complete control of the government upon assuming this office, which would be a lifetime appointment. Thank you for your time. -- Sincerely, Steven Maginnis

P.S. I loved your number-one single from September 1974, “Rock Me Gently.” It’s a shame you gave up a career in music for a career in politics.

P.P.S. You realize that this letter is pure satire, right? Let me be serious, now that I have treated you to my unorthodox humor. I believe that you are right when you say that the Trump administration is engaged in lawless activity through unilateral executive branch action, and I also believe that Elon Musk and his fictitious department is a threat to our democracy and our future quality of life. Please do everything you can to reverse these awful cuts to foreign aid, medical research, and entitlements. And yes, I know of course that “Rock Me Gently” was recorded by a different Andy Kim. Thank you.

If you can't dazzle U.S. Senators with brilliance, tickle them with satire.

I didn't write these letters as an American.  I wrote them as a resident of a state that happens to be in the American union who realizes that America has left him.  I know you're not supposed to be sarcastic in writing to members of your state's congressional delegation, but this is a new era and a new - and scary - world.  Satire is the only way out.  

Meanwhile, for your entertainment, the other Andy Kim!

DOGE IS A DOG!

Why, why, why, why, why, why do so many people I admire ultimately turn out to be frauds, posers, or just plain horrible people in general?  Gary Hart, Marion Jones, Hillary Clinton, Eric Clapton, Bill Cosby,  James Howard Kunstler, Facebook "friends" I never meet in person - the list is endless.  Sooner or later, of course, those people you admire appear to jump the shark, and little do you know they'd been on the wrong side of the shark all the time.  And Elon Musk is the latest such person to join my list - for being a fraud (he didn't found Tesla), a poser (his "inventions" are even more useless than Beatles pal Magic Alex's prototypical products at Apple Electronics), and a horrible person (he's a Nazi).

It turns out he's worse than even all that.  As the director of the fictional Department of Governmental Efficiency (DOGE?), Musk is going on a rampage through the federal government, shutting down the United States Agency for International Development and locking out it staff after accusing the agency of fraud, taking over the U.S. Treasury and putting kids fresh out of high school in charge of the computers, and getting data on the finances and bank accounts of every American taxpayer.  Having direct and illegal access to our personal data, Musk can now use it to destroy someone who, oh, I don't know, speaks out against him or Trump.  Up to now, he's only been able to delete X users who do so.  Now he can comb through BlueSky and go after anyone there who's opposed to him (i.e., everyone there).  Kash Patel won't need to use his power as FBI director to stifle opposition against the government because Musk can do it himself.

With the Treasury under his thumb, Musk can deny Social Security payments and Medicare assistance to anyone at whim - either because they've written a critical letter to the editor about him, because they've used their social media platforms (or blogs) to spread the truth about him, because they were active in the movement against apartheid in his native South Africa (Steven Van Zandt, take note!), or maybe because you bought a Lucid instead of a Tesla.  He may already be looking for congressional Democrats to harass and persecute to drive them out of office (paving the way for turning Congress into a Supreme Soviet-style rubber-stamp legislature).  Plus several more horror scenarios I can't fathom right now.  With all of the power Musk gave himself by bullying his way into crucial agencies, no one is safe.

All I can do is to keep tell you what's going on.  And while I won't qualify for Social Security for awhile, I too, as a blogger critical of Musk, have reason to fear him.  And it's not because I ever said anything bad about his cars.  That's what makes this so disgusting.  I admired Musk for everything he did for electric vehicles.  Now I look at Musk and, well, I can't believe I actually liked this guy!  But, in pretending to engineer the cars he makes and in pretending to be developing pneumatic trains to get people to stop talking about high-speed rail and buy more of his cars, all while profiting from his government contracts with SpaceX (another reason he took over the Treasury), Musk has been giving America two faces for the price of one.