My Letter to Senator Andy Kim (D-NJ)

Last time I checked, I still don't have a country, I still have a state, and, having written a letter to my state's senior U.S. Senator, Cory Booker regarding the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico, I have since written a letter to the newly junior U.S. Senator from New Jersey, Andy Kim, about the Department Of Governmental Efficiency.   That letter is below. As with my letter to Senator Booker, this isn't an open letter to the senator buts an actual letter I sent - both postally and online to Senator Kim's office.

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Dear Senator Kim:

First, let me congratulate you on your win in the 2024 U.S. Senate election. I am certain you will be a great representative for the state of New Jersey.

That out of the way, I would like to share with you my concerns about the Department Of Governmental Efficiency. I am very upset with how much the department is slashing government spending.

It should slash it even more.

I feel like our money has been spent foolishly for far too long and, if anything, General Secretary Elon Musk is not cutting expenditures nearly half enough. He should at least find another $2 trillion worth of savings.

What’s more distressing is that the savings are going to tax cuts for the wealthy. Shouldn’t any savings instead be diverted to more worthy projects than geodetic surveys and development grants for children’s playgrounds. I’m 59 – what do I need a playground for? (Besides, the public playground I used to play at when I visited my grandparents in Orange was closed to drill a municipal well on the site back in 1971!) Therefore, I propose that the federal government use the money for projects that have been ignored for far too long.

First, Bigfoot. Despite photographic evidence that the hairy monster actually exists, the federal government has never investigated this reoccurring phenomenon in the Pacific Northwest. I propose that not only should the United States look for Bigfoot, but it should also do so in a joint mission with Canada, where he is called Sasquatch. It would go a long way to repair relations with our northern neighbors.

Next, infrastructure. Not only do we have so many bridges in disrepair, but there are bodies of waters and chasms that have never been spanned at all. Like the Atlantic Ocean. I support a vehicular bridge across the Atlantic that would connect the United States to Portugal on the Iberian Peninsula, and since it is due east of New Jersey, it would provide an excellent opportunity for federal money for the state to build the bridge’s western terminus. It would also provide new travel possibilities for people who are afraid of flying. Spare no expense.

And, any money left over should be used to build a bullet train to connect Hawaii with the mainland, as suggested in the Green New Deal proposal to replace all air travel with high-speed rail.

Also, there should be money to develop more environmentally friendly ways of measuring time based on solar and electric power. That’s why I support a portion of the savings General Secretary Musk has realized to go to research on electric sundials. The electric sundial is the wave of the future.

Now, about the administration of the Department Of Governmental Efficiency. General Secretary Musk has employed immature males under the age of 25 to help him in his endeavors. How are they being compensated? Is General Secretary Musk feeding them? Are their cells cleaned regularly? And when was the last time they changed their underwear? This demands an investigation by the House Government Efficiency Committee and its Senate counterpart.

Finally, General Secretary Musk himself. He has proven to be an excellent co-president in the current regime, and not since the Roman Republic has a dual executive branch worked so effectively. I propose that in the event that Mr. Trump cannot complete his term, we should combine the offices of Department Of Governmental Efficiency General Secretary and President into a new office – the Grand Potentate of the United States, and let Mr. Musk take complete control of the government upon assuming this office, which would be a lifetime appointment. Thank you for your time. -- Sincerely, Steven Maginnis

P.S. I loved your number-one single from September 1974, “Rock Me Gently.” It’s a shame you gave up a career in music for a career in politics.

P.P.S. You realize that this letter is pure satire, right? Let me be serious, now that I have treated you to my unorthodox humor. I believe that you are right when you say that the Trump administration is engaged in lawless activity through unilateral executive branch action, and I also believe that Elon Musk and his fictitious department is a threat to our democracy and our future quality of life. Please do everything you can to reverse these awful cuts to foreign aid, medical research, and entitlements. And yes, I know of course that “Rock Me Gently” was recorded by a different Andy Kim. Thank you.

If you can't dazzle U.S. Senators with brilliance, tickle them with satire.

I didn't write these letters as an American.  I wrote them as a resident of a state that happens to be in the American union who realizes that America has left him.  I know you're not supposed to be sarcastic in writing to members of your state's congressional delegation, but this is a new era and a new - and scary - world.  Satire is the only way out.  

Meanwhile, for your entertainment, the other Andy Kim!

My Letter to Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ)

When the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America became reality with the Interior Department making Trump's whim official, I'd had it.

Even though I no longer have a country, I still have a state - New Jersey, which I wish would secede form the Union.  But since I am a New Jersey resident and so have representation in the United States Senate, I decided to take advantage of that and write a letter to Senator Cory Booker regarding the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico.  

That letter is below.  This isn't an open letter to the senator.  This is an actual letter I sent - both postally and online to Senator Booker's office!

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Dear Senator Booker:

noted with interest Donald Trump's desire to annex Canada and to purchase Greenland. I am writing to express my eager support for Mr. Trump's initiatives. I believe that acquiring all of North America north of the border and east of Alaska would strengthen our economy and expand our gross domestic product. Also, I am pleased that the Gulf of Mexico has now been officially renamed the Gulf of America. Having elected a president named "Claudia," Mexico deserves no respect. Also, I am greatly in favor of the efforts of Representative Earl L. Carter (R-GA) to help Mr. Trump acquire Greenland and to rename it.

However, I believe more renaming of American geographical points is in order, along with renaming some of the newly acquired Canadian lands. Contrary to popular wisdom, Canada would not become the fifty-first state if we were to annex it; it would actually give us thirteen new states, the ten provinces and the three Arctic territories. One of them is called the Northwest Territories. Not only is it a singular territory, we can't have a state with the word "territories" in it.

Therefore, I propose we rename it "Fred." It's an easy name to remember.

Also, I disagree with Representative Carter's effort to rename Greenland "Red White and Blue Land" once we make the world's largest island the 64th state. I prefer that we rename it "Alan." Why? It's an easy name to remember.

Also, we have to anglicize place names in the United States to unite the country, which means no more Spanish place names and no more French ones, either - especially in Quebec. San Francisco would become St. Francis, Amarillo would become Yellowtown, Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin would become Dogland, Des Moines would become "City of the Friars," Terre Haute, Indiana would become High Ground - you get the idea. Since Detroit's name means "strait," we should rename that North Windsor, after Windsor, Ontario across the Windsor River. Windsor is a beautiful English name.

In New Jersey, Montclair should be renamed "Clear Mountain," and Belleville should not be renamed "beautiful village." Not because it's not beautiful; it's because it's not a village. South Orange is a village. Rename Belleville "Jim." It's an easy name to remember.

Also, we have to rename Colorado. It's a Spanish name and it's a word meaning "colored," and that's a pejorative. I propose that we rename it "Bob." It's an easy name to remember. Also, now that we've named the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, we should rename New Mexico "South Bob."

Then there's Los Angeles. Its official name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Dama, La Reina de los Angeles." The name means "The Town of Our Lady, The Queen of the Angels." We should change that name - not because it's in Spanish, but because it clearly violates the separation of church and state. I remember that Pat Buchanan once rhetorically asked why we were more concerned about unrest in Lithuania than unrest in Burundi. Because, he said, Lithuanians "are white people. That's who we are. That's where America comes from." Now, I always thought America came from British settlements, but since we actually evolved from Lithuania, we should honor our real mother country by renaming Los Angeles "New Vilnius." Hopefully we can get that done before the 2028 Olympics. In the meantime, we should definitely abolish the Department of Education, as it has allowed too many Americans to graduate from school thinking we won our independence from Britain when in fact, as Pat Buchanan pointed out, it was Lithuania.

Thank you for your time. -- Sincerely, Steven Maginnis

P.S. There are two more pieces of legislation I'd like to propose. One is that the official language of the United States should be Lithuanian. The other is that everyone under sixteen years old is now . . . sixteen years old.

P.P.S. You realize this letter is sarcasm, right? Now that you have had a taste of my humor, let me be serious now. Please do what you can to stop Donald Trump. He is insane and does not belong in the White House.

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I'm hoping to write Senator Andy Kim on another issue.