Limits

Today I left my house only to get to my day job.  I have a job that allows me to walk to work, and my walk is only ten minutes.  While I occasionally drive there in order to go somewhere else after work, on this day I didn't take my car out, and I had no reason to go anywhere during my free time.

This, in a nutshell, sums up the state I'm in.

I increasingly find myself limited and confined.  I spend little time in the outside world beyond my day job, and I am now actually looking forward to spending practically no time at all there.  I have no plans, no aspirations, and no answers.

I lost my night job as a reporter.

The online newspaper I labored for for about eight years is going in a different direction, covering fewer public-affairs stories like the ones I covered, and the bottom line is that I'm not needed there any more.  I never made much money, but with that gig gone, I'm making a whole lot less.  Any plans I had or at least entertained - like visiting a friend who lives overseas per my friend's invitation (I've never left North America in my life) or purchasing a new bicycle - are pretty much kaput.  And truth be told, these were plans I entertained more than tried to follow through on, largely because I've never made much money to begin with.  Losing this reporting job was not so much a blow to my wallet but a kick in my pride.  A month ago, I could call myself a reporter.  Now I'm not.  And what sort of day job do I have?  I'll only say this much; it's not career-related, but I'm glad I have it, because I certainly don't have a career any more, and besides . . . I need the money more than ever.

In fact, I've had nothing but bad breaks for the past month and change.  I had an accident at a street fair that required medical attention, and problems I thought I'd solved have only come back to bite me.

Like my car.

My car started stalling in September 2017, and despite three attempts at having it fixed, it continues to stall.  I last had it repaired in November 2018, and it was fine for six months; now it's acting up again, and I've run out of parts I can get fixed under warranty.  I'm expecting a major repair bill after having spent lots of money on a couple of other expenses, foreseen and unforeseen.  Just as I can't get through a whole year without the power going out, I can't get through a whole year without my car going out.

My social life?  I don't have many opportunities to socialize with friends - as the song goes, they're not unkind, just hard to find - and one of them is in Florida.  Efforts to connect with those still in my area have met with little success.

I have to get use to a world of mine that is small and getting smaller.  I don't know what I'm going to do about getting back on my feet; the job market is not as lucrative as one might believe, and for reporters it's practically non-existent.  I've never been married, and not only am I in no position to take a wife, I can't afford a girlfriend - something else I've never had.  I long ago had dreams about what sort of media career I might have - publishing, writing, broadcasting - and where I might go to seek my fortune - another part of the country, maybe even another part of  the world - but the truth is I remain in the same town I've lived in since I was nine.

Nine.

I'm too discouraged to think about my future - what there is of it - and I've already made it clear how disappointed I am when I look at my past.  My world has always been somewhat limited, but now I feel like I'm trapped in an increasingly small space.  And having made all of that clear, I'm not going to say any more.  Just don't expect me to write much on my blog for awhile because I have little interest in anything these days.

Sorry.