Santa Claus Is Angry At America

I'd like to send the following message to the children of America:

Hi, kids, I understand that, lately, you've been led to believe that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, because these nice-looking men and women on the TV news show your parents watch have been talking about the North Pole and how it's all ice, and that the ice has been melting due to something called climate change.  This has been occurring because the United States has long been the biggest producer of something called carbon dioxide, which makes the earth's atmosphere hotter and will melt the polar ice cap.  So therefore, you probably think Santa Claus can't really exist because no one can live on ice, especially when it's melting, and his workshop is going to sink into the Arctic Ocean.

Well, kids, Santa Claus did live at the North Pole, but don't worry, he's fine.  He moved just a few hundred miles below the North Pole to a place called Ellesmere Island, the northernmost point in Canada.  That's the country that the man your daddy listens to on the AM radio station in the car says people should go to if they don't like it here. See, Ellesmere Island is land, not sea, so it won't disappear when it gets warmer.  All the snow on it will melt, but it will still be there.  And so will Santa.  He lives in Canada because they have a health care system where everyone is taken care of - unlike in America.  Santa is a generous man, he loves to give, and he appreciates a country that gives him the health care an old man like he needs to keep going.

That's why he would never live in America - Santa thinks it's not fair that some people get better health care than others because they can afford better care.  And yes, he's really angry at America for warming up the earth for decades.

Santa also doesn't like the idea of rich Americans polluting the earth so they can make lots of money even as they pay their workers low wages before firing them so they can make more profits.  Santa Claus has never laid off any of his elves.  They live under a very generous benefit system, and they never have to worry about falling through the safety net.  And because his elves celebrate Thanksgiving - in the middle of October, since that's when they have  Thanksgiving in Canada - Santa would never think of making them work on Thanksgiving to get a jump on the holiday season against the big toy companies that compete with him, even if Canada had Thanksgiving in late November  like America does.  So, no, Santa Claus could live in Alaska, but he wouldn't be caught dead in a place that would elect a governor like Sarah Palin.  Alaska simply isn't big enough for Santa Claus to share it with a horrible lady like that.

Santa Claus is so ticked off at America, in fact, he's put a lot of Americans on his naughty list.  For every lump of coal America burns to light up its shopping malls, when it could be using wind power and encouraging walkable communities, Santa is giving a lump of coal as a present to someone in America.  Don't expect a Barbie doll from Santa, girls, because Santa despises the misogynistic dolls people make for little girls to encourage them to aspire to an impossible feminine ideal.  And, boys, consider yourself lucky if you get a train set for Christmas, because it will be a run-down, dingy one like the real ones your grandparents ride from Florida because Daddy won't pay an extra penny to modernize Amtrak with high-speed trains when he buys gas for his SUV.  Santa is very, very angry at America, and he's not going to let you forget it, you little snot-noses!

Merry Christmas, kids! :-p