Things That Won't Come Back After the Pandemic

It's been one year since the COVID-19 virus outbreak was declared a pandemic, and even though there is light at the end of the tunnel, as the media say, variants and difficulties in getting vaccinated make it feel more like an oncoming train.  Even if the pandemic ends soon (don't bet on it, sucka!) and life gets back to something resembling normal, there are some things from what we called normality that will never come back.  Here's a list:

Auto shows.  Auto shows were already going out of style before the pandemic, and COVID pretty much killed them.  Why go to a car show when you can check out a vehicle in multiple dimensions on a computer screen?  Besides, auto shows, thanks largely to the product, have gotten so boring that the beautiful women standing next to the cars are more interesting than the cars themselves - though, for some brands, that was always the case.

Movie theaters.  My hometown lost its downtown movie theater due to COVID only two years after a major renovation following a flood.  The sign on the marquee read that it would reopen soon, once the pandemic was over; now the marquee says "FOR LEASE," and no, that's not the title of a rom-com.  The theater chain that ran it simply couldn't wait out the pandemic out any longer.  Thanks to new movies being streamed at home, I shouldn't expect my local movie theater to reopen under any circumstances.  Nor do I expect the two movie theaters in a town near where I live to be revived, and that town holds an annual film festival!  Its 2020 festival was held online, but can you imagine any town without a movie theater holding a film festival after the pandemic ends? It would be like holding a seafood festival in Wichita.

Festivals.  And could you imagine any town holding a festival for anything?  Even after the pandemic ends, the virus itself will still be out there.  No one will ever want to go to a festival again, and for food festivals, that goes double.

Dating.  Dinner and a movie?  Well, some restaurants may survive, but without movie theaters, what's the point in going out?  Best to invite your lady to dinner at your place and order in, unless your lady prefers not to be alone with you in your apartment, in which case dinner with your girlfriend will likely be replaced by breakfast in your kitchen with a cigarette and cold coffee with toast.  Good morning, heartache, sit down!  

Birthday parties.  And because the virus will always be there, and because kids aren't getting vaccinated any time soon, you'd better not expect your little friends to come to celebrate your birthday with you, kid.  And no clown, either.  Be happy your mother bought you a frozen Pepperidge Farm cake for your birthday, you ungrateful little snot! 

Business travel.  Why should a multinational corporation get the corporate officers of all its foreign subsidiaries in a conference room at headquarters if they can all take part in a meeting on Zoom?

Rock concerts.  That's only because most rock bands are made up of white guys over fifty, and the majority of them already have one foot in the grave.  By the time the pandemic ends, we may have lost so many rock and rollers that there won't be enough of them left to perform live.  We won't lose them to COVID, necessarily, but likely to natural causes brought about by advanced age.  Although, no matter what happens, Keith Richards and David Crosby will still be with us in some capacity.

Handshakes.  Admit it.  They're gross.  Especially when the other guy has sweaty palms.  They don't make sense as a greeting, and no one's ever sealed a deal with one since Brian Epstein signed the Beatles.  Most pop managers are a whole lot sharkier than that. And no elbow bumps, either; they're too awkward, plus they're dumb.  Best to greet each other with a tacit wave, because if we silly Westerners try bowing like the Japanese, we'll bump into each other's heads. 

Shopping malls.  Thanks to online shopping, no one really feels the need to hang out at the mall anymore - especially when, post-pandemic, people will feel afraid to go to an indoor public space.  And since downtown's have also been rendered completely obsolete by Amazon in the process, expect Main Streets to become more residential, with people living on Main Street watching new movies at home, eating food at home from restaurants, buying clothes on their laptops, buying laptops on their laptops - in short, everything that they used to go to Main Street for.  Oh, the irony!  

Broadway musicals.  If Broadway ever comes back, we'll have dramas and comedies again, but musicals will simply be too expensive and too labor-intensive in a post-pandemic leisure economy - or what's left of it - that will still be trying to get back on its feet. 

So we can forget about the musical based on the life of Princess Diana ever making it to the Great White Way, but thanks to the real-life soap opera going on in the Royal Family now - relax, I'll get to that later - we'll hardly miss it.

And this is just a partial list.  I could go on, but I'm not a masochist. 😏 😉