Pearls of Wisdom

Tonight, on this last day of August, I'd like to take time out from the bad news coming out of New Orleans and Baghdad to share some pearls of wisdom with my loyal readers in the form of advice.

First, this. When you have a one-night stand with a woman, make some kind of effort to learn - not remember, learn - her name! Not only is it misogynistic and in bad taste to remember her as "that hot Puerto Rican chick I had last night" - especially when she's Mexican - knowing her name will come in handy when she slaps you with a paternity suit two years from now!

Secondly, here's some advice for my fellow U.S. citizens - you're an American! Speak Spanish! Or French! Or Italian, or maybe Mandarin. But learn at one least one foreign language! At this moment in human history, the United States is the only superpower on the planet, yet most of us are too stupid or lazy to learn even one foreign language. The people of Western European nations, which lost their power and prestige years ago, make it a priority to learn several different languages. Geez, even the Pope is fluent in at least five languages (which is about the only thing he has in common with Gene Simmons), and he only needs to know one language other than his own - that language, of course, being English! Learn to speak something else, for Pete's sake. How about Arabic, so you can join the CIA and infiltrate al-Qaeda communiques? Or German, so you can read Oklahoma senator Tom Coburn's speeches in their original tongue? Better yet, why not learn Spanish, so you can understand that telegram from Guadalajara informing you you've been hit with a paternity suit?

And finally, to Democrats - stop thinking you only have to let the Republicans self-destruct without taking a stand on something! The Republicans aren't that stupid! Sure, Iraq, rising gas prices, and controversial stands on social issues have weakened them to the point where they can lose next year's midterm elections even if they run unopposed, but they have an advantage because they'll still going to have to run against you! You especially have to come clean about Iraq; those of you who gave Bush the authority to invade that country have to fess up and admit your mistake, and those of you who opposed it have to explain how we would have dealt with Saddam Hussein otherwise. All of you have to make a case for why we should trust you to get us out of the mess the Grand Old Party started. And don't wait for a white knight to rescue the party; Bobby Kennedy is dead, and I doubt he'd want to come out of retirement to lend you a hand even if he were still alive. In fact, your mendacious behavior is probably making him turn over in his grave now. Besides, Dems, you have a complicated relationship with potential white knights; one minute you're touting him as the savior of the party, the next minute you pretend not to have have heard of him once a skeleton or two falls out of his closet. You'll do it again. You'll embrace the next white knight that comes along, then drop him like a hot potato as soon as that paternity suit from Mexico makes the papers!

I hope this has all been helpful. :-p