Christmas Gifts I'd Like To Give

On this Christmas Eve, December 24, I'd like to make note of a few Christmas gifts I'd like to give (but can't) to various celebrities. Here's the lowdown on the rundown:

To the Democrats, but especially Howard Dean: I'd like to give you the gumption to put some real issues in the 2004 presidential campaign. Despite government propaganda, the economy has stalled, the only new jobs being created are minimum-wage jobs, and the gap between the rich and everyone else grows with each passing day. So please, Democrats, tell us what you're going to do about it before Michael Moore gets on your case!

To Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: I'd like to give you a wedding ceremony at my local parish. Name the Saturday, I'll set it up. I'll make sure it's quick, quiet, and paparazzi-free. It would be perfect - you can get married without the tabloids ruining your day! So now you have no excuse for putting the big day off. Don't worry about me using you to try to get publicity for the part of New Jersey I live in! We're already known for the house Grover Cleveland was born in (it's next to my church, in fact), so we have enough to brag about! :-)

To Paris Hilton: I'd like to give you a job as a hotel employee. Not with your family's chain, but with the Marriott chain! The Marriotts are a Mormon family; maybe they'll teach you some values!

To Nia Vardalos: How about a good movie script? If you wanted to prove that you can play characters other than a kooky Greek girl, you shouldn't have done that failed sitcom or done the movie you're working on now, which I understand is one rushes screening away from being shelved. You need a screenplay that matches or exceeds that of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. If you can't write it, maybe I can! Don't call me, I'll call you.

To "I'm With Her" creator Chris Henchy: A second season of your delightful new TV show. Although it's since been renewed for a full season, it still remains to be seen whether a second season will happen. I'd love to give you another year to build up a nice big audience, but after that, you're on your own.

To the Strokes: I want to give you the status of being the world's greatest rock and roll band. The Rolling Stones have been around for forty years, and it's become increasingly hard for them to find someone to pass the torch to. You are clearly the guys to carry it!

To Jessica Simpleton - er, Simpson: You need some community college courses now!

To the Dixie Chicks: I'd like to give you all a nice, big kiss - no, not kind Britney Spears gave that old lady on the MTV awards, but I'd love to kiss the three of you to show my appreciation to you for tellin' it like it is about Bush!

To George W. Bush: A one-way ticket to Texas. You just might need it come November.

Boy, do I want to be Santa Claus! :-D