The Untied States of America

Donald Trump's proposed federal budget - which cuts domestic spending to the bone and in some cases the marrow while increasing spending on deportations - is probably the best reason so far for the Democratic and Democratic-leaning states to secede from the Union.  The proposed federal budget severely cuts spending on cancer research and weather forecasting while zeroing out altogether programs like Head Start and agencies like FEMA.  Presidential budget plans are meant to be a statement of values.  This budget blueprint was completely unnecessary; we already know what Trump's values are.  He has none.

Meanwhile, Trump concedes that the tariffs he imposed on China will make Christmas gifts such as toys much more expensive this December, but the Donald thinks that maybe a little austerity would be good for us after having promised his voters to be able to live the good life like he does.  Maybe only two dolls for little girls instead of dozens - funny how he never said that little boys should have only a couple of toy cars.  

And while all of this is going on, Trump is extending his tariffs to foreign films - which won't do much for Hollywood but will certainly shut down the very few remaining art houses in Manhattan.  Trump is actually less concerned with keeping a 2026 seventieth-anniversary American re-release of And God Created Woman, starring Brigitte Bardot (though his evangelical base might be), than he is at getting Hollywood studios to shoot fewer films on location abroad.  Well, that should finish off the James Bond franchise!  

Aside from forcing us to pay double to see the Palme d'Or winner at Cannes, Trump and Elon Musk have devastated the Federal Aviation Administration so much that Newark Airport can barely function amid its numerous delays and cancellations.  Now I get it.  Trump won't try to prevent us from leaving the country by banning us.  He's doing it by making fights to London and Paris impossible.  At least out of Newark.  JFK is next.

It is in this milieu that the Met Gala, a fashion party for rich celebrities with terrible taste in clothes that shuts down the Metropolitan Museum of Art to tourists with only one evening in New York City who are denied the opportunity to see the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware 😡, was held.  As usual, female pop stars unfamiliar to fans of classic rock dominated this event, which manages to be both elitist and vulgar, with their space-cadet threads, but the star of the show was a female pop singer classic rock fans, through their affinity for Motown, are familiar with - Diana Ross, who arrived in a gown that could have clothed all three Supremes, with a train longer than a BNSF freight coming into Chicago.

Oh yeah, another female pop-culture figure was at the gala - Kamala Harris!

The former Vice President and former future President, aware that her political career is over, chose to spend her down time to attend this ode to vulgarity by showing up in a dress that was clearly inspired by the black and white cookie!

Seriously, her dress is making me hungry.

The fact that Harris would rather attend this ode to vulgarity in a dress that is clearly too big for her than join Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (to whom I now offer anew a proposal of marriage) on their anti-oligarchy road show offers prima facie evidence that top Democrats have no connection to the middle and working classes they purport to represent.

Least of all, Senate Democratic "leader" Charles Schumer, who, in response to Trump's trashing of the Constitution, has vowed to issue a strongly worded letter to Trump in protest.

Not gonna work, Chuck.  Trump can't read.

Right, I have to return to my secessionist activities . . ..

BREAKING NEWS: Bowling Green Massacre News Disrupts Douglass Appearance at White House

DATELINE: WASHINGTON

Donald Trump, the President of the United States, was hosting a Black History Month event in the White House this past week to honor a special guest when tragedy struck.

Trump, accompanied by special White House communications director Omarosa Manigualt, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, and other aides with spell-checker-unfriendly names, was lauding his guest, black social reformer and writer Frederick Douglass, for his ongoing achievements.  "He's done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice." Trump said. 

Douglass, who still looked imposing despite having been dead since 1895, rose to thank Trump for his comments.  "I am humbled, sir," he said, "to be a guest in this hallowed house for the first time in over a hundred years, and I am glad you have finally taken note of my writings and my service as ambassador to Haiti."

Trump, unaware that Douglass was no longer the U.S. ambassador to Haiti on account of a federal rule prohibiting dead people from continuing to serve in the diplomatic corps, was beginning to ask Douglass about the current state of affairs in Port-au-Prince when White House aide Kellyanne Conway frantically ran in to tell Trump of a terrorist massacre in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

Fountain Square Park, Bowling Green, Kentucky, moments before the terrorist attack.

Conway gave the grim report.  The attack, said to have been carried out six years earlier, did not happen.  It involved no Arab terror commandos, nor did it involve any deadly weapons. As many as 63,616 people - the entire population of Bowling Green - were not killed or wounded.  No one else was injured.

Fountain Square Park, Bowling Green, Kentucky, moments after the terrorist attack.

Douglass, upon hearing the news, looked unnerved.  "Mr. President," the long-deceased historical figure said, "If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  It thus follows that if there is no attack, there is no crisis.  I am very saddened to hear about this terrorist incident that didn't happen, and I am as shocked by it as you are.  I pledge my full support to you in your commitment to do nothing and to take no action in responding to this dastardly non-deed."

Trump nodded.  "Thanks, Fred," he said.

Douglass made himself available to go to Kentucky and comfort the residents whose lives were not torn apart by terrorism and went on without incident.  He hoped to speak to the workers at the local General Motors assembly plant that is famous for producing the Chevrolet Corvette and the Cadillac XLR, workers at the headquarters of the Fruit of the Loom undergarment company, and the Fruit of the Loom guys. 

Trump graciously accepted.

Douglass then conferred with Trump in the Oval Office (below).  Moments after Douglass left for Kentucky, British Prime Minister Theresa May called Trump and offered to send MI-6's top secret agent, James Bond, to Kentucky to help American intelligence not investigate what didn't happen in Bowling Green, and Trump expressed his gratitude, quoting Ronald Reagan's admiration for Bond.  "James Bond is a man of honor," President Reagan said in 1983, "a symbol of real value to the free world. Of course some critics might say that Bond is nothing more than an actor in the movies. But then we've all got to start somewhere."

UPDATE:  Douglass is still in Kentucky, touring Bowling Green in a Cadillac XLR, fresh off the assembly line - astonishing, given the fact that production of the XLR ceased in 2009 - being driven by Elvis.

(Disclaimer:  The opening quote from Trump and the Reagan quote are both true.)