The Olympics: My Greatest Hits, Part Four

With the Tokyo Olympics now behind us, I thought I'd take a look at some of my more acerbic comments from the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro and the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang.  Plus my witty comments on the just-concluded Tokyo Olympiad.  Both of them.

"I'd like to ask this simple question about the United States national men's soccer team . . . Why do we have one? The American men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the second time in a row . . .. The only way any of them will see Rio is if they're dating any of the players on our women's soccer team. And if they are, maybe their girlfriends will let them walk on the turf at the stadium and kick a ball or two . . . just to know how it feels." - Rio de Janeiro, 2016 

"[Pita Taufatofua is] the Olympic athlete who was the flag bearer at the 2016 Olympics' opening ceremony for Tonga, a Pacific island country heretofore known for issuing postage stamps in silly shapes. The judo competitor appeared at the ceremony shirtless, his torso covered in oil . . .. And women loved it; they ogled Taufatofua's well-oiled physique so much that their husbands must have been . . . scared shirtless! :-D - Rio de Janeiro, 2016

"Allyson Felix, already the most decorated female American Olympic athlete in track and field, was a moment away from a fifth career gold medal in the women's 400-meter race. She lost it when Shaunae Miller of the Bahamas suddenly leaped out over the finish line and crossed it first by landing on it.  Miller apparently forgot that she was a track runner and not a diver." - Rio de Janeiro, 2016

"[Swimmer Ryan Lochte] doubled down on his insistence that [he and his teammates] were robbed . . . when in fact they were stopping at a service station after having gotten drunk and vandalized a bathroom. The fake police officer was actually a real security officer who gave them a hard time because they were . . . giving him a hard time. Then ol' Ryan bailed on his teammates and went home, leaving [them] to take the rap and tell authorities . . . the truth. Which was caught on a security camera. I think the dye in Lochte's hair seeped into his brain." - Rio de Janiero, 2016 

"I haven't seen Winter Olympic skiing be delayed by bad weather this much since Sarajevo in 1984. At least NBC can shift to figure skating; back in 1984, ABC had to settle for commentary and music from John Denver to fill the time.  And Bosnian turnip carts.  Wow - a country-folk-pop singer who hadn't had a hit in three years . . . and adventures in pushcart vending on the streets of Sarajevo! Oh, the drama! And people wonder why ABC lost coverage of the Olympics . . .. Though it's been a long time since I've seen a Bosnian turnip cart." - PyeongChang, 2018

"If not for the real problems affecting our country . . . , overpaid television commentators would be talking about the United States' current fifth-place showing in the Winter Olympics medal count as a national crisis comparable to expensive gasoline. The athletes from Nordic and Slavic countries keep winning all of the skiing medals - wow, big surprise!" - PyeongChang, 2018 

"Now I know why Trump wants more immigrants from Norway! He wants to get immigrants who can build up our Winter Olympics team! Hey, I have an idea - why not admit Norway as the fifty-first state? No, better yet, an equal merger - they get to take over the national government and we not only get rid of Trump and Congress, we get their (Norway's) health-care system and public education system! And together we clean up at the 2022 Winter Olympics! Everyone's a winner!" - PyeongChang, 2018

"Thanks to Dan Hicks for declaring a winner in the women's super giant slalom before the eventual winner, Ester Ledecká of the Czech Republic, won in an upset. Seriously. Dan, you've proven yourself worthy of being a sportswriter for the Chicago Tribune, the paper that, on the day after the 1948 presidential election, declared Thomas E. Dewey the 34th President of the United States." - PyeongChang, 2018

"The Olympics started having mixed medleys - both men and women competing side by side - with the Tokyo Games. Oh, I get it. That way, the American women can carry our guys when the guys start falling behind their male counterparts from Croatia."  Tokyo, 2020 - no, 2021 

"I sometimes suspect if some of the sportscasters [at the Tokyo Olympics] hosting the coverage are actually in Tokyo. Rebecca Lowe, for all I know, could be in a TV studio in Miami, the one where the moon landing was faked. (That was a joke.) If that's the case, she's more likely to get COVID there than in Japan. (That was not a joke.)" - Tokyo, 2020 - no, 2021 

Right. My work is done here.