Foul

The American national women's soccer team is suing the United States Soccer Federation for pay discrimination, saying that the men make more money.

Male soccer players making more money than their female counterparts?  I'm shocked!

No, really, I am.  Especially when you consider what an incompetent bunch of clowns our men's team is.     

Ladies and gentlemen, the American men's soccer team, hard at practice!

And this is their coach!

Now, I kid about the men's soccer team - to a degree - but I don't kid about the discrimination the women's team is facing.  They bring in a lot of money for American soccer, yet they don't get to find out how much they bring in.  All they know is that they're getting paid less than the guys.  Our men's team - which, last time I checked, is ranked 24th in the world and didn't even make the cut for last year's World Cup - makes more money for losing than our number-one-rated women's team makes for winning.  The women have won countless World Cup and Olympic titles over the years, whereas I could lose all of my fingers in a freak accident and still have enough fingers left to count our men's championships on.

I hope the women win this lawsuit, though the deficiencies of the judicial system - the most recent example being Paul Manafort's lenient sentence for tax fraud, bank fraud and failing to disclose his foreign bank accounts - obviously do not reassure me.  But the women are worth every cent they're entitled to; we should give them the pay a champion sports team deserves.  If we paid the U.S. men's team what they deserve based on their record, they'd play for free.

In fact, they suck so much that they owe us money.

Who do I sue?