Razz It Up

Forget the Oscars - the Razzies are the only movie awards that mean anything anymore, because it celebrates American cinema (foreign nominees? highly implausible) at its worst at a time when everything else about America - including our government - has reached the mother of all nadirs.

The 2018 Razzies were awarded by the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation this past Saturday, and the big "winner" was, with four awards for Worst Movie, Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, and, for "any two obnoxious emojis," Worst Screen Combo, The Emoji Movie, an animated flick about all of the emojis we use on Facebook and their typical, complicated lives.  The plot revolves around one emoji that can't make the facial expression it's supposed to and gets in trouble for it.

I really wanted to see someone base a cartoon movie on emoticon symbols.  Said no one ever.

I'm still waiting to find out why Patrick Stewart agreed to voice the turd emoji character.  By the way, when I first saw a turd emoji, I thought it was supposed to be frozen chocolate custard.  As Jimmy Fallon might say, thank you, turd emoji, for ruining frozen chocolate custard for me.  Next time I'll order vanilla.

Turd emjois are crude.  But not as crude as Fifty Shades Darker, which won Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel must be, and Kim Basinger - remember her? - picked up a Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her performance in that movie on top of that. Scariest of all, apparently, is Tyler Perry "winning" Worst Actress (HA HA) for Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween (come on, Tyler, even Robin Williams knew that drag is only funny once unless you're a Monty Python alumnus) or Tom Cruise "winning" Worst Actor for The Mummy.   To those who are shocked that an A-list actor would get a Razzie, be warned: "A-list" doesn't mean you're talented, it means you're bankable for the studio.  Ironically, The Mummy was a flop, as I noted in my 2017 list of winners and losers.  Tom Cruise has never been a great actor or even a good one; as much as I love Rain Man, I'd have to concede that Cruise's performance in that 1988 classic was forced when compared to Dustin Hoffman's effortlessness at playing an autistic character, even if Cruise had the best line - "K Mart sucks!"  Unfortunately, so does his acting.  (Then again, as a spoiled-brat gray-market new-car salesman, Cruise didn't have to stretch very far in Rain Man, so that's why he was still able to pull it off.)

I'd like to believe that the failure of movies such as The Emoji Movie and The Mummy will finally wean Hollywood off making dumb cartoon features and overdone blockbusters.  I'd also like to believe in the Tooth Fairy.  But I can dream, can I?  And not about the Tooth Fairy.