Saturday, January 21, 2017

Recipe for Democratic Disaster

Start with six Democratic candidates for the party's presidential nomination. Prepare to tip the scales in favor of the establishment candidate.
* Make the establishment candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, a candidate who represents continuity when people want change and who represents dynasty when people don't want another heir apparent. Ignore the lessons of 2008.
* Put Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a craven congresswoman who'll pull any trick to help the Clintons, in charge of the Democratic Party. Make her think she's on top of things.
* Slowly remove other Democratic candidates. Take out Jim Webb, even though he speaks for white working-class voters that the Democrats need. Take out Martin O'Malley, the most Kennedyesque person to run for President since John F. Kennedy himself. Ignore his requests for more presidential primary debates until after he's out of the way.
* Ridicule any of Hillary's challengers if you have to. Shake well.
* Leave Bernie Sanders in, and cook his goose slowly. Accuse his male supporters of being sexist "brogressives."
* Make Hillary the nominee and ignore the lessons of a Clinton-connected continuity nominee like Al Gore (who at least would have been President had the GOP not stolen Florida from him).
* Concentrate less time and attention on Senate races when you need to regain control of the Senate. Cross your fingers.
* Upon learning that your Republican opponent is Donald Trump, laugh and do nothing else, thinking he will self-destruct.  Let Hillary laugh, if only to remind people how horrible her laugh sounds.
* Avoid shoring up your base in swing states like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, where struggling Democratic Senate candidates could really use your help. Go after Republican states instead. Keep a straight face when you tell the media you're going to win Georgia.
* Assume the media's good press will be enough.
* Add an incoherent slogan  ("Stronger Together") and a cutesy-pie slogan ("Love trumps hate") to counter a direct slogan ("Make America great again!")
* Add dozens of Democratic National Committee internal e-mails talking about how you're staging Hillary and massaging and molding her messages. Get a cut-rate firewall for your computer. Feign astonishment when WikiLeaks hacks you. Blame the Russians.
* Have as your campaign surrogates celebrities who have more money and more opportunities to travel than the voters living in their parents' basements that you need to reach will ever have.
* Finally, add a condescending reference to said basement dwellers, and call half of your opponent's supporters deplorable.

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