You may have noticed that at no point up to now in my commentary on the 2016 Olympics have I tried to make fun of synchronized swimming. Nothing about the silly balletic moves, no cracks about the competitors' gelled hair or sparkling outfits, no more than a passing mention of their smiling. I could try to convince you that this is because I have learned to respect anyone who participates in athletic endeavors that I could never excel in or even attempt, but after all the comments I made about the U.S. men's soccer team, I don't think you'll buy that. I decided not to make any jokes about synchronized swimming this time because I've already ridiculed it enough in commentary during Olympiads past.
However, I do want to say this to any young woman who is contemplating the possibility of participating in this female-only sport: If you do, you'll be subject to ridicule from cynics more cruel than I am, you'll risk freezing your face with all that smiling, and your lungs will burn up while trying to hold your breath under water.
Also, you'll never appear on a Wheaties box.