The Easter Bunny's Agenda

You think President Obama has his hands full? Consider the Easter Bunny.

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"Okay, are all the rabbits assembled?  Right.  Bunnies, rabbits, hares, I now present the new Easter Bunny, Peter Cottontail IV!"

"Thank, you, thank you all for that warm, cuddly reception.  As the new Easter Bunny, I would first like to say that I am honored to have been your choice for this exalted office.  I have just received a wire today from my opponent in the Easter Bunny election, Bugs Bunny, wishing me the best.  He was very gracious.

"Now, to business.  My fellow cute, long-eared creatures, there's no better time to be a rabbit.  Hasenpfeffer is no longer in style.  People no longer carry rabbit's feet for good luck.  Animal testing is becoming uncool.  Volkswagen no longer exploits our cuddliness by naming a small car after us.  Our biggest problem has nothing to do with being rabbits.

"No, my fellow hares, the biggest problem facing us is Easter itself.  As we all know, Easter Sunday always falls after the first full moon of spring.  This is most unfortunate.  After all, Easter is associated with flowers, bonnets, daffodils, and flowering trees.  People think of me and think of spring.  But under the current system of determining the date of Easter Sunday, Easter can fall in March.  Remember 2008, when it fell on March 23, and it was 30 degrees out?  Or 1970, when it fell on March 29, and there was a snowstorm?  Santa Claus had to help deliver the eggs!  My fellow bunnies, we can't abide by a system that puts Easter Sunday on a day when it can still feel like winter!    

"So here's what I propose.  We fix a better date for Easter Sunday in late April - say, the third or fourth Sunday of the month - to minimize, if not eliminate altogether, the threat of wintry Easters in the future! Any questions or comments?"

"Sir, this is a hare-brained scheme."

"Well, of course it is.  We are hares."    

"No, figuratively.  It's dumb.  If that were to be done, that would also permanently fix Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and the Feast of the Ascension.  Easter is a religious holiday.  How are we going to change it?"

"No problem, I'm meeting with Pope Francis on Monday to discuss it.  He's cool."

"But sir, His Holiness comes from Argentina, where Easter falls in autumn.  Will he even consider your idea?  Will he even care?"

"Of course he will.  I work for the kids.  He loves kids."

"The Archbishop of Canterbury might be a problem, sir."

"I'm having tea with him on Thursday."  

"Anything else, sir?"

"We have to re-negotiate our wholesale chocolate egg purchases with our candy suppliers.  Also, we have to deal with the competition from Snoopy."

"The Easter Beagle?"

"Yes.  We have anti-trust exemption, he shouldn't be allowed to compete against us."    

"Pick a fight with Snoopy?  Now that's a hare-brained scheme!"

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It's all in a day's work for the Easter Bunny.