Birds of a Feather

For anyone wondering when marketing and television, long a lethal combination in these United States, would descend to the ultimate level of stupidity, the suspense ended with this product - a fake, "lifelike" parakeet that was apparently designed to scare off small animals in suburban and rural yards but is now being marketed as . . . a pet.

I kid you not, and you can check out the Web site for this product if you don't believe me.  The "Perfect Polly" is a fake parakeet that moves, chirps and sings whenever someone (or something) walks or moves near it.  It's being marketed as the "World's Perfect Pet" for people who are either too lazy to take care of a real bird or have the misfortune of living in an apartment or condominium with pet restrictions . . . but mostly for lazy people. Take a look at this sales pitch:

The parakeet is a gorgeous bird and a wonderful companion, but live birds can be a lot of work! Share that beauty without the mess with Perfect Polly, the singing parakeet! Perfect Polly is the motion activated bird that is so lifelike, you will almost believe it's real. Watch Perfect Polly as her head and tail feathers move back and forth, and hear her chirp that is as sweet and beautiful as a real live parakeet. Get all the joy of a feathered companion without the mess or expense of cages, food and accessories. And unlike real birds, you can turn Perfect Polly off with the touch of a button. Enjoy Perfect Polly's company anywhere in the house, and she will be sure to bring joy to the whole family!

Leap to it, world!  No fuss, no responsibility, no satisfaction of giving a domesticated animal a decent and loving home! Just the benefits of owning a pet without all the high maintenance and attention that applies! No emotional attachment involved, so you can just stick it in the closet once you get fed up with it - which, to be sure, would be after two weeks! And, at just over six inches tall and with such a lifelike appearance, you'll actually think it's real!  And if you do, you should probably check in at Bellevue.

Lifelike? Dude, it's made of plastic.  Entertaining? How much simulated bird chirping can you hear at one time?  No maintenance? Gee, you mean the battery doesn't need to be replaced?  Yeah, right.

But wait: There's more! One Prefect Polly costs $14.99, but right now, as I type, you can get two Perfect Pollies for $19.99! The second one makes a perfect gift! (For whom? Your boss? Your mother-in-law? Someone else who might also appreciate the sarcasm implied?)  Order now, because it's not sold in stores . . . yet.  No doubt you'll soon be able to get a Perfect Polly at your local Walgreens, in the same aisle with the forever-sharp steak knives, the steak knife sharpeners, the singing bass fish, and direct-to-video movies starring eighties sitcom stars.  And as much I would like to believe that there aren't any people who would actually buy one of those things, there probably - no, likely - are.         

Oh, and one other thing:

Warning: Choking Hazard - Small parts. Not for children under 3 years of age.

No pet is perfect. :-p