Seventies Garage Sale

(This is another piece from my now-defunct essay blog.)

I’ve been at this garage sale for only a little while, and I’m thinking of leaving. I’m finding too many items from the 1970s on sale. Not the good kind, like Elton John records, tapes of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” or mood rings, but, rather, the kind of stuff that brings back memories of what was so horrible about the seventies . . ..

I mean, look at this clothes rack over here. See this leisure suit? Good grief, it’s the color of gourmet mustard! And check out these fuchsia bell-bottom pants with beaded flower designs above the hems. A Funky dress? Say, what’s on this lime green wide-collared shirt? A Whip Inflation Now button? What a no-WIN situation this is! The prices for this nostalgia are too high.

How about all this junk? A Connect Four game, a Peter Frampton poster . . . Oh my God, a Silver Convention album from Bamberger’s – still in its original shrink wrap! Get up and boogie! Well, I’ll guess there aren’t any scratches in it, though this fondue pot has certainly seen better days. A Banana Splits lunchbox? Please.

Here’s a whole table of souvenirs from the Bicentennial. Yeah, I remember the Bicentennial. To think, we could have had a big world’s fair to celebrate the two hundredth anniversary of American independence, but instead we got plastic dishware like this. A limited edition Liberty Bell pewter plate? Replicas of colonial paper money? Be still my beating pancreas. I’ll hold out for one of those official New Jersey “Crossroads Of the Revolution” license plates, thank you very much. Say, how did this Bruce Jenner poster get mixed in with this stuff? Well, I’m glad I found something of value at this garage sale.

More junk over here. A Farrah Fawcett T-shirt? Ahh, I was never into her. A Darth Vader Halloween costume? Geez, can’t you still buy one of those new? That’s it, I’ve had enough of this seventies flashback. I’m out of here.

But wait! What’s this in the driveway with the “FOR SALE” sign on it? It can’t be! It is! My goodness, it’s certainly in pretty good condition. I can’t believe it! It’s . . . a ’72 Pinto!!

With the optional 8-track player installed.