Wrong Way Fred

(A very funny piece from my now-defunct essay blog.)

To: Alfred B. Chamberlain, Columnist, West Fargo (N.D.) Dispatch-Bee

Dear Fred:

This letter is to inform you that your services as cultural critic and commentator for the West Fargo, North Dakota Dispatch-Bee are no longer needed. After thirty years, we have elected to terminate your employment effective immediately. You are a wonderful writer and an accomplished stylist who never misses a deadline, but we have to let you go.

You get everything wrong.

Remember when General Motors introduced the Chevrolet Cavalier in the early eighties? You wrote in your column that it was a solid, competent car that would stop the Japanese from gaining a greater share of the U.S. auto market. Well, that car was a piece of junk, and the Japanese have increased U.S. market share to the point of driving GM into bankruptcy. When Madonna had her first big hit, you dismissed the notion that her personal style could compensate for her lack of musical substance. You predicted that she would be gone in two years. You also predicted that the Australian pop-rock group Men at Work would become one of the greatest and most enduring bands of all time.

Fred, these are just three of the biggest examples of your miscalculations. You opposed the Persian Gulf War and supported the war in Iraq. You wrote in 1992 how Bob Kerrey had a chance to win that year’s Democratic nomination for President of the United States, and we ran the piece the day he withdrew as a candidate. Good grief, we had a chance to win a Pulitzer Prize – a Pulitzer, Fred - for distinguished editorial writing, and you had to go and ruin it. It was all because of that piece you wrote suggesting that the Berlin Wall would never be opened – two weeks before it fell!

And don’t get me started on your column scoffing at the idea of Lithuania trying to secede from the Soviet Union.

Fred, how many more examples do I need? Do you know how embarrassing it was when you praised the movie version of Dune? What about the big movie career you predicted for Teri Polo? Your piece on how Rush Limbaugh was too angry and smug to succeed on talk radio? Or your idea for the paper to run a sweepstakes to give our readers a chance to win a new Yugo? Your assessment of "Frasier?" "A spinoff of 'Cheers' will never make it."

Well, Fred, you made one accurate prediction. You recently wrote a column predicting you'd lose your job. You may have based your prediction on the growth of the Internet and the decline of newspapers, but you were still right about your own situation. The paper is still here, Fred, but you're gone. Please come to the office and collect your belongings as soon as you can, because we plan to throw them out if you don't.

Josiah P. Quackenbush, Managing Editor, West Fargo (N.D.) Dispatch-Bee

P.S. Why did you call your column "Peace In Our Time?"