American Splendor

My British ladyfriend Therisa used to be an entertainer on a Carnival cruise ship, and she's probably glad she no longer has to worry about the possibility of what actually happened on the Carnival Splendor cruise ship when a fire broke out in the engine room. The ship was stranded in the Pacific Ocean forty-four miles off the Pacific Ocean with no electricity and no power of its own, forcing crew passengers to eat cold food and deal with backed-up toilets. Everyone was rescued on Thursday . . . with one passenger arrested on a felony grand theft warrant issued in Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas apparently doesn't stay there.

I have never in my life been able to understand the appeal of maritime cruising. (My sister loves it.) You board a five-star hotel masquerading as an ocean liner, you sail around in a circle off the coast, you visit a few "exotic" (read third-world) ports of call along the way, and then you go back to where you boarded. At least the old transatlantic liners actually took you somewhere, and the Queen Mary 2 still does that. Today's cruise ships - which owe their popularity to old "Love Boat" reruns - are just about going for a ride on a big ship which cheap food and, to be sure, fifth-rate entertainment. Well, of course, now that my friend Therisa no longer works for a cruise line . . ..

Personally, if I were interested in taking a ride on a boat just for the thrill of being on the water, I could easily take a sightseeing cruise on the Circle Line in New York City. There may not be any entertainment, but the food is just as good. And if the engine goes out, the shore isn't that far away.