"Retraining Horatio Alger" by Art Buchwald

In light of the current economic situation, this Art Buchwald piece from the early eighties seems even more relevant today.

*

“Hi, Mr. Peters, remember me? Horatio Alger the Fourth. You laid me off from the company six months ago because I was unskilled labor. Well, I just completed a welding course, and now I’m ready to go back to work.”

“Sorry, Horatio, but since you’ve been gone, the company has decided to invest in robot welders. I don’t believe your welding skills are necessary any longer. Now, if you knew something about robotics . . .”

“I don’t, sir, but I’ll retrain myself and become a robot serviceman. I’ll see you in six months.”

“That’s a good idea, son. Come back when you know something about robots, Horatio, and there’ll be a job for you.”

[Six months later.]

“Hi, Mr. Peters. Well, sir, here’s my certificate from the Consolidated Robot School. It says I can repair any kind of robot now on the market.”

“This is very impressive. Let’s see, according to your file, you were in this personnel office last July. Since you were here the company has invested in a state-of-the-art computer that can repair the robots that make our zits. We’re no longer hiring service people to take care of out robots.”

“But, surely, sir, you must need someone to program the computers.”

“As a matter of fact we do. Have you any experience in this field?”

“I don’t at the moment, but I know I can be retrained to become a computer expert. If I do well in school may I have a job with your company?”

“Of course you can. You show the spirit this corporation is always looking for.”

[Two months later.]

“Hello, Mr. Peters. Long time no see.”

“As I live and breathe, it’s Horatio Alger the Fourth. What have you been up to these past two years?”

“I’ve been going to advanced computer programming school, sir. I am now fluent in BASIC, PASCAL, and FORTRAN, and can work with any software on the market. I assume the company is still looking for programmers.”

“We were for a while, Horatio. But then we subcontracted all our programming work to a software company which specializes in improving robot production for zits. We no longer have a computer division of our own, except for a small section that devotes itself to collating data on the zit market and then making economic predictions on how the company should expand.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Peters, I will retrain myself to become an economist with an emphasis on long-range zit planning.”

“You’ll need a doctorate before I can hire you.”

“Do not fear, sir. I will drive a taxi during the daytime and go to school at night. If becoming an economist is the only way I can get a job, so be it – I will become one.”

“You show gumption, boy. Bring me that degree and you’ll be on the payroll.”

[Three years later.]

“Do my eyes deceive me? Is this little Horatio Alger the Fourth who used to drop in here to see me about a job?”

“The very same, and I have something to show you. Here, sir, from the Harvard Business School, is my doctorate in Hi-Tech economics. And here is my doctoral thesis on the future of the zit market in the twenty-first century, as broken down by continents and countries throughout the non-Communist world. Now that I am retrained, may I have a position with the company?”

“Horatio, please sit down. Since you went off to get your economics degree, we’ve moved the entire company’s operations to South Korea. We don’t do anything here except distribute zits to our dealers.”

“I understand, sir, and I certainly don’t blame you for going where you can maker a better product for much less cost.”

“What are you going to do now, Horatio?”

“The same thing any ambitious American boy would do. I’m going to retrain myself to be a South Korean.”