My father died today.
He apparently had a fatal heart attack in his sleep, and there was no pain. He went instantly.
I have mixed feelings about this. My father was not exactly a warm person, and he could be inattentive to both me and my sister - in fact, I saw him far less frequently after I graduated from college - but I think he loved me, in his own unique way. He always read my blog, and he may have been this blog's only regular reader. He was proud of me when I graduated from Drew University, and he boasted to people whenever I had an article published.
The problem was that whatever he felt for or about me, he had a hard time showing it. It wasn't his fault; that's probably how he was brought up. He'd remarried after he and my mother divorced, and I felt uncomfortable in any social situation involving his wife. In fact, I'd only seen him sporadically in the past several years, and we never seemed to reach some kind of mutual understanding.
Now he's gone, and I am left wondering why I wasn't able to reach some kind of mutual understanding with him while he was still alive. We tried to meet each other half way, but it never seemed to lead to anything.
Maybe one day I'll be able to figure him out. But I'll never be able to tell him so. Even worse is that I can only imagine what he must have felt about me in his remaining time on earth.
In pace requiscat.
This blog is obviously going to be on hiatus for awhile. Stay tuned, I'll be back. . . . :-(
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