Suggestions For Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Speaking of New Year's resolutions, I'd like to offer the following suggestions for New Year's resolutions to a few folks who really, really, really ought to consider taking my advice:

For Christo: Resolve to retire! Christo finally got to put up gates decorated with orange saffron curtains in New York's Central Park because one of his best friends finally got the city to agree with it. The friend was Mayor Michael Bloomberg; it's good to have friends in high places. "The Gates" was given raves and ridicules, but it was certainly was the apex of Chisto's career. How can he top that? Simple: he can't. He perpetrated this display in the centerpiece park of one of the greatest cities in the world; everything else he does next will pale in comparison.

For the Vatican: Resolve to get the smoke signals right, and coordinate them better with the bells! After the white smoke that came from the Sistine Chapel signaling the election of Pope John Paul II in 1978 was tinged with shades of gray, John Paul decided that the bells of St. Peter's Basilica should ring along with the white smoke to signal the election of a new pope. This time, not only was the smoke gray, but the bells didn't ring on cue. The Curia should either fix this problem or come up with a new signaling system - and soon. After all, Pope Benedict XVI is 78; it might not be long before John XXIV or Linus II debuts on the balcony, and the news of his selection should be able go smoothly.

For Teri Polo: Resolve to get a new agent! Although the lovely and talented Polo has been successful as a working actress, the roles she's taken have largely prevented her from becoming a star. She was on the TV show "Sports Night," which was canceled after two seasons, and was on "I'm With Her," which died after one season; plus, most people can't name any non-"Focker" movies she's appeared in. Currently she makes occasional guest appaearances on "The West Wing," which has been airing on Sundays and has plummeted in the ratings since it was moved there. Although Teri isn't a full-fledged cast member, the fact that the show was in trouble soon after she started appearing on it and may be canceled by May will have cemented her reputation as a "series killer" - one of those actors whose appearance on a TV show curses it to get canceled. Now, I'm not saying any of these career decisions were necessarily bad ones, but it doesn't matter how good Polo's work as an actress is if no one wants to see it. A savvier agent could get her the roles she needs to be the big movie star she only played on TV.

To the Democrats: Resolve to take a walk on the wild side! Nominate candidates for office who aren't afraid to speak out public medical insurance or more anti-poverty programs, or aren't afraid to offer - indeed, formulate - a better way of dealing with the mess in Iraq. Playing it safe has only put your party in danger of going the way of the Whigs. Ironic, isn't it? Now go out there and tell folks what they don't necessarily want to hear - if you're going down anyway, at least go down with dignity.

As far as the Democrats are concerned, I may be repeating myself. But then they don't ever listen, so . . ..