Martin O'Malley Meets Bluto Blutarsky

It was two and a half years ago today - a quarter of a decade - that Martin O'Malley quit the campaign for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, having been written off by the pundits and the Democratic establishment before he even got started.  O'Malley "just might" run for President again in 2020, and he just might assemble his old 2016 campaign staff to help him, but even as the Democratic Party strives to reduce the role of superdelegates at the next national convention, establishment Democrats - who never liked Martin O'Malley in the first place - may already be making sure he can't run again.  With a little help from their friends, the commentariat.

I can see it now . . . a recasting - okay, a ripoff - of a pivotal scene from 1978's National Lampoon's Animal House.  Martin O'Malley assembles his old 2016 staff for another go at the White House, but Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez has already set up new roadblocks against him.  We see campaign manager Dave Hamrick, chief strategist Bill Hyers, deputy campaign managers Adam Goers and Karine Jean-Pierre, policy director Sarah Miller, public engagement director Gabriela Domenzain, and communications director Lis Smith sitting and brooding at O'Malley campaign headquarters in Baltimore, along with special campaign consultant Bluto Blutarsky (played, of course, by the late John Belushi), who's lying on the floor, hands behind his head . . .

* 

BLUTO:  Christ!  Eighteen years down the drain.  I may as well join the f--kin' Biden campaign!

HYERS:  My mother is going to laugh at me.  Again.

GOERS:  I can't believe I threw up in front of Chairman Perez.

SMITH:  Adam . . . face it.  You threw up on Chairman Perez!

GOERS (giggling):  Yeah . . . I did, didn't I?

JEAN-PIERRE:  Matt Schlapp will never stop ribbing me over this.

MILLER:  Hillary's behind this, I know it!

DOMENZAIN:  I say it's Booker.

HAMRICK (noticing Martin O'Malley walking in looking disheveled): Jesus, Governor, what happened to you?

MARTIN:  I got in a fight at the bar with some jerk working for the Mueller investigation . . . he called me a douche . . ..  Looks like I missed something.

HAMRICK:  Yeah, you did.  Perez isn't letting you take part in the 2020 presidential primary debates . . . he cited our bad numbers.

MARTIN:  But we're above the minimum threshold in the polls.

DOMENZAIN:  Not those numbers, Governor. New rule . . . Perez told us that any 2020 presidential candidate who competed in the 2016 Iowa caucuses and got less than one percent of the vote can't take part in the 2020 primary debates.

MARTIN:  Aww, man!  Ahh, we still got the forums.   

HYERS:  Oh yeah, another new rule, Governor.  Those forums you and Bernie did together in the 2016 campaign?  Not allowed any more.  And any candidate who takes part in them will be docked 50 percent of their convention delegates.

HAMRICK:  On the bright side, that likely means we'd have to give up only one delegate.

MARTIN:  So . . . Tom froze us out? (sitting down next to Hamrick)  Well . . . that makes sense!  Ain't that like Tom to screw me like that!

HAMRICK:  Whatever possessed you to make him Maryland Secretary of Labor anyway?

MILLER:  It's Hillary, I tell you, she's behind this!

BLUTO (getting up off the floor):  Hey!  What's all this lying around sh--?

GOERS:  Well, what the hell are we supposed to do, you moron?

HAMRICK (to Bluto):  Come on, man.  Campaign's over.  Perez dropped the big one.

BLUTO:  Over?  Did you say "over"?  Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it . . . was it over when George Washington surrendered Fort McHenry?  Hell no!

HAMRICK:  Governor, doesn't your media consultant know anything about Baltimore?

MARTIN:  Forget it, he's rolling.

BLUTO:  And it ain't over now.  Because when the going gets tough . . . (long pause, waiting for a response) the tough get going!  Let's get 'em!  Who's with me?  Yahhhhhh!  (runs out of room)

(There is a long pause.  Bluto walks back in to the room.)

BLUTO:  What the f--- happened to the O'Malley campaign I used to know?  Huh?  Where's the spirit?  Where's the guts?  Where's the desire to get back at Molly Ball for pretending to forget Martin's name?  This could be the greatest presidential campaign season of your lives.  But you're gonna let it be the worst!  (assumes crybaby voice)  "Oh . . . we're afraid to go with you, Bluto, we could get into trouble . . . we might not get jobs with a Harris administration . . . Jake Tapper might make fun of us again!"  (drops crybaby voice)  Well, just kiss my ass from now on!  I'm not gonna take any of this!  Not me!  Perez?  He's a dead man!  Booker?  Dead!  Hickenlooper?  Dead!  Garcetti?  Dead!  The pundits?  Dead!  The Clintons?  Dead!  Donald J. Trump . . . 

MARTIN (getting up): Dead!  (walking up to a surprised Bluto) Bluto's right . . . psychotic, but absolutely right!  We gotta take these bastards!  Now . . . we could fight them with conventional campaign tactics, like flooding the Boston TV market with ads to reach New Hampshire.  But that could take years . . . cost millions of dollars . . ..

HYERS:  And make it hard to compete in California, Ohio and Pennsylvania.

MARTIN:  Not to mention make it impossible to go head-to-head with Booker in New Jersey at the end.  No . . . no . . . in this case . . . I think we have to go all out.  I think this situation absolutely requires . . . a really futile and stupid gesture for free media . . . like maybe an impromptu guitar performance at the Inner Harbor . . .

BLUTO (sotto voce):  No, no, that's lame, the mimes will yell at you again.  Something else.

MARTIN (continuing): Or something else . . . be done on somebody's part.

BLUTO:  And we're just the guys to do it.

HAMRICK (getting up): Let's do it.

BLUTO (as everyone gets up):  Let's . . . do it!  (as everyone runs out) Go, go go, go, go!  (Bluto runs out.)

*

And when Tom Perez is lying in a daze after a whole bunch of flags and convention bunting has dropped on his head, that might be as good a time as any for O'Malley to ask him for a chance at being the Democratic presidential nominee.

And how did O'Malley meet Bluto Blutarsky?  Well, it was at this Democratic fundraiser where O'Malley was playing "Danny Boy" on his guitar . . . 

*

MARTIN (gently strumming a guitar, singing): Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling . . . from glen to glen and down the mountain side . . ..  The summer's gone and all the flowers dying . . .  'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide . . ..

BLUTO (snatching Martin's guitar): YAHHH!  (smashes guitar) YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHH!!!!  (smashes guitar) AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (burps, gives Martin back his guitar neck) Sorry . . .   

*

Ladies and gentlemen, the next Vice President of the United States, John Blutarsky! :-D

Martin O'Malley as "Tootsie?"

It was two years ago today that Martin O'Malley ended his campaign for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, having failed in the Iowa caucuses and having been laughed out of the race by a Democratic Party that wouldn't acknowledge him.  Today, O'Malley is looking toward a possible 2020 run, but he's taken even less seriously now than before, and the party is so insistent on nominating another woman to run for President, it would rather nominate Oprah than O'Malley.  (And she's decided not to run - more on that later.)  The only recourse for him would be to go away, come back disguised as a woman, and run for President under the name of Malia Martin.

I can see it now - a retelling of the 1982 movie Tootsie, which starred Dustin Hoffman.  The scene here, which I completely ripped off from the movie, is a political consulting office in Baltimore.  Martin O'Malley confronts his consultant - George Fields, played by the late Sydney Pollack - after another career setback . . .

*

MARTIN:  Is George in?

MARGARET THE SECRETARY:  Yes, he is . . . Now, wait a minute. You can't just go in there!  Martin, he's tied up right now.  I swear! 

GEORGE (on the phone):  Tom, I . . . (seeing Martin in his office)  Hang on, Martin, will you wait outside? I'm talking to someone inside the Beltway. 

MARTIN:  We're inside a beltway, too, George, Baltimore is inside a beltway too. 

GEORGE:  Oh, boy.  Tom, are you . . . God!   Look what you . . . Margaret? Get him back. I cut myself off.  (hangs up) What is it, Martin?

MARTIN:  Kirsten Gillibrand is doing "The Last Word" with Lawrence O'Donnell tonight for an interview about immigration, and you promised to help me get on that program.  You told me I'd get a booking for that for tonight, you said you could recommend me.  Aren't you my political consultant?

GEORGE:  Lawrence's producer wants a name. 

MARTIN:  Kirsten Gillibrand is a name? Martin O'Malley is a name, when you want a Democrat to make fun of like he's some Tea Party jerk.

GEORGE:  Wait, wait, wait!

MARTIN:  You always do this to me. 

GEORGE:  Wait . . . 

MARTIN:  I don't want to keep going on Fox News to play the liberal who's always wrong, George . . .

GEORGE:  Yes.  That was a rotten thing for me to say.  Let me start again . . . and try to understand, Martin.  Kirsten Gillibrand is a rising star in the Democratic Party.  Millions of people see her on cable news every day.  She's known. 

MARTIN:  And that makes her an authority on DACA?  I'm more versed on that issue than she is . . . what, now she's going to be the 2020 Democratic presidential nominee and lose to Donald Trump? 

GEORGE: Martin . . .

MARTIN:  They're circling the wagons around her?  I warned the DNC not to circle wagons around anyone . . . I played that part in Minneapolis.

GEORGE:  Look, Martin, the Democratic Party is seriously considering running another woman for President, and Kirsten Gillibrand looks like a winner.  I'm sorry if you haven't noticed, but this is politics, and people are in this business to win elections.

MARTIN:  I'm in politics to win elections too, George, I've been helping Democrats running for office all over the country, and I am in politics to win elections!

GEORGE:  Really?  Anthony Brown for your successor as governor of Maryland?  John Fetterman for U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania?  Archie Parnell for U.S. House in South Carolina?

MARTIN:  Now wait a minute, I campaigned hard for Archie, I made a lot of friends down in South Carolina, I established a lot of contacts, I got great press from the local newspapers.  Not that that's why I did it.

GEORGE:  Oh, no, God forbid you should lose your standing as a cult failure.

MARTIN:  You think I'm a failure, George?  'Cause if you want to come right out and say it . . .

GEORGE:  Uhh, uhh, uhh, I will not get sucked into this conversation.  I will not.

MARTIN:  Look, you know I told you I just might run for President again, I sent you my platform draft, it had a great infrastructure plank, did you go over it?

GEORGE:  Where do you come off sending me a draft of your platform for a presidential campaign?  I'm not your mother.  I don't approve platforms for you to run for President on.  I'm a consultant, I'm supposed to help politicians promote themselves, and that's what I do.

MARTIN:  Help politicians promote themselves?  Who told you that, the consultant fairy?

GEORGE (chuckling):  Martin . . .

MARTIN:  I just wanted your opinion, I could be terrific with that platform.

GEORGE:  Nobody's going to touch that infrastructure plank, it's a non-starter.

MARTIN:   Why?

GEORGE:  Because nobody cares about a transcontinental high-speed passenger rail line.

MARTIN:  But that could be a major economic catalyst!

GEORGE:  Who gives a sh--?  None of the bigwigs in the Democratic establishment are going to push for a bullet train that goes from one end of the country to the other!  They can afford to go to France to ride the same thing.

MARTIN:  I don't want to argue about it.  I just wanted your opinion, alright?  Look, I think it's a great platform, I think high-speed rail is a winner, and I want to run for President again in 2020, and I'll do any event in Iowa you can recommend, I don't care.  I'll speak at League of Women Voters meetings, I'll speak at Rotarian dinners, I'll hold forums in small-town libraries, I'll do anything!

GEORGE:  Martin . . . Martin . . . I can't recommend any of that.

MARTIN:  Why not?

GEORGE:  Because no one will support you.

MARTIN:  Aw, come on!  I bust my ass to win a campaign!  You know that!

GEORGE:  Yes.  And you bust everybody else's ass in the process!  John Dickerson has to moderate a ninety-minute presidential debate on CBS with thirty minutes of commercials, do you think he has time to argue whether all-payer health insurance is better than single-payer, or single-payer is better than no-payer, or no-payer is better than no-fault?

MARTIN:  Aw, you can't be serious, man, that was over two years ago, and Dickerson's an idiot!

GEORGE:  They can't all be idiots, Martin.  You annoy everybody!  You kept pestering David Muir and Martha Raddatz so much at the ABC debate for more time, you came across as a spoiled brat!  You annoyed Lester Holt and Andrea Mitchell so much at the NBC debate asking for thirty seconds all the time, I'm surprised Bernie Sanders didn't tell you to shut up!  And for every moderator who has to keep you in line, there are two pundits and five party leaders cheering on the moderator!  You've got one of the worst reputations in the Democratic Party, Martin.  Nobody will support you.

MARTIN:  Are you saying that nobody in Iowa is willing to caucus for me?

GEORGE:  Oh, no.  I'd go farther than that.  Nobody in New Hampshire wants to vote for you either.  I can't even recommend a Netroots convention for you anymore, the last one you did, with Bernie, you almost incited a riot when a Black Lives Matter group showed up because you said that all lives matter.

MARTIN:  Yes.  All lives do matter.

GEORGE:  It was a Black Lives Matter group!  They were there to discuss black lives!

MARTIN:  And of course black lives matter to me, George!  I was mayor of this town - 65 percent black - and every black person mattered to me, that's why I tried to make this city better for them, and I also tried to make it better for the other 35 percent!  And when I became governor, every Marylander mattered to me, from the Allegheny foothills to the Atlantic Coast, from the Mason-Dixon Line to Worcester County, all up and down the Chesapeake!  The farmer, the worker, the bay fisherman!  I supported immigrants!  I supported LGBT rights!  I gave more money to education!  I taxed water runoff to help the environment!  I built more mass transit!  I pushed a damn all-payer health care system that knocked the pundits off their asses!  

GEORGE:  I'm trying to stay calm here . . . Martin, you are a great politician, and you've been a wonderful public servant.

MARTIN:   Thank you.

GEORGE:  But you're just not electable anymore.  Do what Huckabee did.  Get yourself a talk show.

MARTIN (turning to leave):  Okay, thanks. I'm gonna run for President, and I'm gonna win the nomination, and I'm gonna carry enough states to get to 270.

GEORGE:  Martin . . . you're not going to carry one single precinct!  No one will support you.

MARTIN:  Oh, yeah?

*

You know the rest.

Now, after reading this, you might think it's unfair for O'Malley to be overlooked and laughed at again, and cast aside simply because he has a Y chromosome.  Yeah, well, that's why I wrote this parody.  I only hope that Murray Schisgal (who wrote the screenplay for Tootsie with the late Larry Gelbart) will forgive me for this.