Yes, Virginia, There Is a Joe Shlabotnik

Several old "Peanuts" cartoons have been appearing on social media.  A "Peanuts" strip like this one alerted someone on Instagram to the name of one Joe Shlabotnik, who was Charlie Brown's favorite baseball player.

Now, Joe Shlabotnik, it must be understood, was the worst baseball player of all time.  He was constantly getting sent to the minor leagues and was prone to pop up when he tried to hit a home run.  He briefly managed a minor-league team but was fired after one game for calling a squeeze play when there were no men on base - and no, it wasn't a women's baseball league.  When Charlie Brown, his dog Snoopy, and Linus Van Pelt went to a sports banquet at the end of 1969, they bought tickets and got seats at Joe Shlabotnik's table.  As it turned out, Shlabotnik was the only missing athlete.  He didn't show up because he had marked on his calendar the wrong date, the wrong city and the wrong event. 

Anyway, someone on Instagram asked if Joe Shlabotnik is a real baseball player.  Here's what I replied:

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Joe Shlabotnik. He exists as long as failure and ineptitude exist, and you know that they abound to give life its pitfalls and pratfalls. Joe Shlabotnik is everywhere. He is the 1962 Mets. He is the 1964 Phillies. He is the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers. He is the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He is the United States men’s national soccer team in almost any year. He is the United States men’s national field hockey team in every year. As long as there are losers in sports or in anything else, Joe Shlabotnik will always exist."

And I'd like to expand on that.  Joe Shlabotnik is me.  Joe Shlabotnik is you.  I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.  We are all Joe Shlabotnik.  We lose a few, probably more than we win.  And we Americans are and always will be Joe Shlabotnik.  Our President is Joe Shlabotnik.  He's turned his supporters and the American elite into Joe Shlabotnik.  Joe Shlabotnik is our health care system.  Joe Shlabotnik is our transportation system.  Joe Shlabotnik is our popular culture.  Everyone in America is Joe Shlabotnik.  No Joe Shlabotnik?  That would be like saying there is no Virginia.  Or no West Virginia.  Joe Shlabotnik, like violence, is as American as cherry pie.  

Joe Shlabotnik is a true American hero. I come here to bury, not praise, Joe Shlabotnik.    

RATS!

Peanuts holiday specials aren't airing on conventional television this year, and maybe never again.  They're now airing on Apple TV+, Apple's new online pay-TV service.

Apple TV+ made a deal with the late Peanuts" producer Lee Mendelson's production company to air "It's the Great Pumpkin," Charlie Brown," "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving," and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on its platform.  They can be seen any time - for a price.  But they're being made available to everyone at no charge for three separate three-day windows - "It's the Great Pumpkin," Charlie Brown" from today to Saturday, "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" from November 25 to November 27, and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" from December 11 to December 13.

You can expect the New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, and Easter "Peanuts" specials to be similarly restricted. Not to mention all of the other "Peanuts" TV specials.

This is just another example of being forced to pay for what you used to get for free.  Apple TV+ knows that these "Peanuts" holiday specials are popular - along with the Beatles and the original Volkswagen car, "Peanuts" is probably one of the most universally popular cultural icons ever - and after the specials had aired for 35 years on CBS and 20 years more on ABC, the pay-TV service has found a way to leverage that love for Charlie Brown and Snoopy and the rest into big profits.  Even twenty years after "Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz's death, his characters are so beloved that people will pay through the nose to watch their holiday specials.

Wouldn't Charlie Brown have seen this as a big commercial racket?  It's run by a big  Eastern syndicate, you know.  (Actually, more like a big Western syndicate, as Apple TV+ is, I believe, based in California.)

I was never a fan of "It's the Great Pumpkin," Charlie Brown," so I won't care if I miss that.  And I happen to have "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" saved on my laptop.  (Also "It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown.")  But I will definitely take advantage of the free airing (at tv.apple.com) of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" this year, as it may be the last time I ever get to see it.  It makes sense that Apple TV+ would do something as venal as make people pay to see such cherished holiday specials at a time when people are having a hard time being able to afford Internet service, never mind a pay-TV Internet service, thanks to a pandemic that has already robbed us of several holiday traditions in 2020.  No parades, no Santa Claus at the department store, no pageants or historic-house tours . . . At least we had these specials.  The operative word is "had."

I guess we'll have to settle for the fiftieth-anniversary airing of "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town," the Rankin-Bass Christmas special telling Santa's life story and how he was raised by a family of toy-making elves and grew up to stand up to the Nazis and the Gestapo (in "one of the northern countries") before being driven into exile at the North Pole.  Oh, joy!

A Charlie Brown Correction

Okay, I'm officially no longer mad at ABC. Tonight they showed the special "A Charlie Brown Christmas" tonight, in uncut form, and the network also aired some Peanuts Christmas sketches made later. I only hope WFAA-TV in Dallas showed it. Tomorrow, ABC re-airs "Prep and Landing," and hopefully ABC in the Big D will to.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good television season.