My Letter to Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ)

When the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America became reality with the Interior Department making Trump's whim official, I'd had it.

Even though I no longer have a country, I still have a state - New Jersey, which I wish would secede form the Union.  But since I am a New Jersey resident and so have representation in the United States Senate, I decided to take advantage of that and write a letter to Senator Cory Booker regarding the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico.  

That letter is below.  This isn't an open letter to the senator.  This is an actual letter I sent - both postally and online to Senator Booker's office!

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Dear Senator Booker:

noted with interest Donald Trump's desire to annex Canada and to purchase Greenland. I am writing to express my eager support for Mr. Trump's initiatives. I believe that acquiring all of North America north of the border and east of Alaska would strengthen our economy and expand our gross domestic product. Also, I am pleased that the Gulf of Mexico has now been officially renamed the Gulf of America. Having elected a president named "Claudia," Mexico deserves no respect. Also, I am greatly in favor of the efforts of Representative Earl L. Carter (R-GA) to help Mr. Trump acquire Greenland and to rename it.

However, I believe more renaming of American geographical points is in order, along with renaming some of the newly acquired Canadian lands. Contrary to popular wisdom, Canada would not become the fifty-first state if we were to annex it; it would actually give us thirteen new states, the ten provinces and the three Arctic territories. One of them is called the Northwest Territories. Not only is it a singular territory, we can't have a state with the word "territories" in it.

Therefore, I propose we rename it "Fred." It's an easy name to remember.

Also, I disagree with Representative Carter's effort to rename Greenland "Red White and Blue Land" once we make the world's largest island the 64th state. I prefer that we rename it "Alan." Why? It's an easy name to remember.

Also, we have to anglicize place names in the United States to unite the country, which means no more Spanish place names and no more French ones, either - especially in Quebec. San Francisco would become St. Francis, Amarillo would become Yellowtown, Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin would become Dogland, Des Moines would become "City of the Friars," Terre Haute, Indiana would become High Ground - you get the idea. Since Detroit's name means "strait," we should rename that North Windsor, after Windsor, Ontario across the Windsor River. Windsor is a beautiful English name.

In New Jersey, Montclair should be renamed "Clear Mountain," and Belleville should not be renamed "beautiful village." Not because it's not beautiful; it's because it's not a village. South Orange is a village. Rename Belleville "Jim." It's an easy name to remember.

Also, we have to rename Colorado. It's a Spanish name and it's a word meaning "colored," and that's a pejorative. I propose that we rename it "Bob." It's an easy name to remember. Also, now that we've named the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, we should rename New Mexico "South Bob."

Then there's Los Angeles. Its official name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Dama, La Reina de los Angeles." The name means "The Town of Our Lady, The Queen of the Angels." We should change that name - not because it's in Spanish, but because it clearly violates the separation of church and state. I remember that Pat Buchanan once rhetorically asked why we were more concerned about unrest in Lithuania than unrest in Burundi. Because, he said, Lithuanians "are white people. That's who we are. That's where America comes from." Now, I always thought America came from British settlements, but since we actually evolved from Lithuania, we should honor our real mother country by renaming Los Angeles "New Vilnius." Hopefully we can get that done before the 2028 Olympics. In the meantime, we should definitely abolish the Department of Education, as it has allowed too many Americans to graduate from school thinking we won our independence from Britain when in fact, as Pat Buchanan pointed out, it was Lithuania.

Thank you for your time. -- Sincerely, Steven Maginnis

P.S. There are two more pieces of legislation I'd like to propose. One is that the official language of the United States should be Lithuanian. The other is that everyone under sixteen years old is now . . . sixteen years old.

P.P.S. You realize this letter is sarcasm, right? Now that you have had a taste of my humor, let me be serious now. Please do what you can to stop Donald Trump. He is insane and does not belong in the White House.

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I'm hoping to write Senator Andy Kim on another issue.