Five Things I Hate About Elon Musk

1. Musk demanded that federal employees send him a list of five things they did on the job last week to prove their worth to the government or be fired.

2. Musk demanded that federal employees send him a list of five things they did on the job last week to prove their worth to the government or be fired.

3. Musk demanded that federal employees send him a list of five things they did on the job last week to prove their worth to the government or be fired.

4. Musk demanded that federal employees send him a list of five things they did on the job last week to prove their worth to the government or be fired.

5.  He's just a mother-truckin' creep.

You thought my fifth thing was going to be, "Musk demanded that federal employees send him a list of five things they did on the job last week to prove their worth to the government or be fired," didn't you?

As soon as this news came out, some of us Trump-hating Musk haters and Musk-hating Trump haters decided to send nonsensical lists of the five things we did on the job.

Here's the list I sent from my regular e-mail address:

1. I ate a Crisco sandwich. 

2. I had sex with a lady clown at the circus.  (Field work. 😉) 

3. I practiced my karate chops while jumping in midair. 

4. I wore an Indian headdress to keep my wigwam. 

5. I called a vegetable by name because the vegetable dreamed of responding to me. 

That last thing refers to a Frank Zappa song.

Now here's the list I sent from my alternate e-mail address:

1. I squirted whipped cream on my desktop and let the office rats eat it. 

2. I scratched my feet for five hours. 

3. I sent rubber ducks to a contractor with the note,  "Take them these here rubber ducks, we just ain't gonna pay yo' bill!" 

4. I ran around the office in a chicken costume yelling "SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK!" 

5. I carved a likeness of Elon Musk out of soap, ate it, and crapped it out in the toilet. (Sorry, I forgot to flush!)

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down . . ..

As it turns out, most government agency and department heads are telling their employees not to respond to Musk, that it's totally unnecessary, and that it also might go against rules and regulations.  National intelligence director Tulsi Gabbard told her employees not to comply to avoid the leaking of government secrets.

Dude, you know you've lost your credibility when even Tulsi Gabbard is trying to preserve her integrity.

Not so much Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, who told his employees to comply.  I guess he figure that if they do, he'll find out what they do . . . because as someone with no experience in transportation issues, he has no idea himself.