Madonald

What's the difference between Madonna and Donald Trump?

One of them is a professional celebrity who emerged in the early 1980s with only a talent for shameless self-promotion and did irreparable damage to American civilization, while the other is . . .  I lied, there is no difference. 

I know this post will please no one.  Progressives who revere Madonna for her badass attitude and her guerilla war against white-male-dominated classic rock will hate me for insisting that she isn't a true musical talent.  MAGA Republicans will hate me for implying that Donald Trump is not the savvy businessman and devoted patriot he pretends to be.  Go ahead and hate me; I'm not here for you to love.

But for those who still have brains in your heads . . . you're gonna love this. 

When Madge - that's what I'll call her from here on - first emerged in 1983 with his first hit record,  she was clearly no singer.  Her voice was weak, high-pitched, and as annoying as fingers on a blackboard.  Her songwriting was simplistic and gimmicky, and the songs she chose from other composers weren't all that much better.  Her arrangements relied so much on warmed-over disco and electronic noise that to call it "music" would be too charitable.  Compared to her peers - Annie Lennox, Cyndi Lauper, Alison Moyet - she was pitiful.  Her only schtick was a novelty-act sexpot image that deliberately contradicted her given name.  Pop fans who'd grown up on the rock and soul of the sixties and seventies had every right to dismiss her and predict that she'd come and go as quickly as A Taste of Honey (who, inexplicably, won the 1979 Best New Artist Grammy over the Cars and Elvis Costello).  

But Madge proved that P.T. Barnum was right.  She was able to make herself an enduring icon largely through her promotional videos, which promoted her more than her records and made her a star on MTV, leading to a string of hit singles and platinum records that stretched through the 1980s and beyond, along with irreverent and churlish publicity stunts designed to keep impressionable teenage girls - her main audience - buying her records and coming back for more.  And the press happily went along with Madge's charade because, well, she was so damn interesting and entertaining to write about.  And so her misandric comments on male heterosexuals ("they ought to be slapped around") and her incoherent explanation of the right to free speech in defending one of her promotional videos after MTV banned it went unchallenged and uncritiqued.  Among other things.   

But hey, Madge was indeed more interesting than bands like Foreigner and Night Ranger, whose frontmen - Lou Gramm and Jack Blades, respectably - weren't going to sell magazines if either one of them were on the cover of Rolling Stone.   By becoming a performer who was taken seriously as an artist in spite of - nay, because of - her shallow, self-promotional stunts, Madge helped turn popular music in to a burlesque, where style is more important than substance.  And she's helped popularize hip-hop by incorporating it into her own records.  Today pop-tart "singing" stars like Madge are more likely to appear on the cover of Vogue than the cover of Rolling Stone, while Rolling Stone puts people like Kim Kardashian (talk about a professional celebrity) on its cover.  And Madge's 2024 tour is, alas, likely to be yet another fantastic success.

And Trump?  To be fair, Trump, as a real estate developer, has actually created things of substance.  But they're all either ugly skyscrapers in New York and Chicago or uglier casino-hotels in Atlantic City.  What Trump is really interested in is creating an image of a successful businessman, an image that has been severely compromised by the successful civil suit against him in New York State for inflating the value of his properties to defraud lenders.  But he's so good at Barnumesque self-promotion that he's recast that verdict as yet another attempt by the "Deep State" to destroy his political power, endearing himself more to his supporters.  

Quite frankly, I don't understand why his reputation as a successful businessman hadn't been severely compromised before.  As I just stated, Trump is best known as a real estate developer.  He is not known as a vodka distiller, necktie designer, meatpacking distributor, educator, football-team franchisee, casino operator, beauty-pageant owner, footwear designer, or hotelier, all trades in which he's dabbled - disastrously.   Nor is he known as a mathematical genius, which explains why he's gone bankrupt six times.  Even his career in his primary profession - real estate - is a scam, given his awful deals and history of stiffing contractors.  And yet, as with Madge, the media have remained fascinated with him and generations of Americans admire the appearance of a legitimate business acumen, because, well, he's just so damn interesting!

And so, despite his loss to Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election after one term in the White House, he's not only the favorite for the Republican presidential nomination over Nikki Haley, he's the early favorite in the inevitable November matchup with Joe Biden.  Meanwhile, his threat to dismantle the Affordable Care Act and his incoherent utterances ("We are an institute in a powerful death penalty") have gone largely unchallenged and uncritiqued.

Madge once told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world.  And she did.  And so did Trump, for four years . . . and he may be back to rule it even longer.

And don't get me started on Madge's and Trump's fans.  You say one unkind word about either one of them, their fans will attack you verbally online and possibly physically in person.  Madge's fans are the Islamic State of pop-star fandom, and Trump supporters are the Islamic State of political fandom.  You do not want to cross either fan base.  

But there is one key distinction between these two charlatans.   You can avoid Madge.  True, her records are compatible with most of the few remaining music formats that are on terrestrial radio these days, but you can always get satellite radio, where oldies, rock and jazz channels can still be found, and there's always your own record collection.  But if Trump becomes President, no one will be able to escape him.  The worst Madge's fans can do to you is physically assault you if you insult their idol (as Guy Ritchie found out when his marriage to Madge failed and he took all the blame for it).   But if Trump is President again . . .