There Will Be No Rescheduling of This Interview

"Hey, Elvin! You asleep?"

"Sorry, Rube, yeah, I was napping again. I had this really weird dream about Al Gore running for President again, and he stopped at a local coffee place where he patted manta rays swimming in a bathtub while I was walking the wrong way on a fast-moving conveyor belt."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Never mind, what's shakin'?"

"You ever hear of this film called The Interview, Elvin?"

"Yeah, I hear. Sounds like a really intense drama, Rube - about trying to take out the North Korean leader, with a journalist and his producer as the assassins. What, it's like Fail-Safe, right?" 

"This ain't no sy-co-logical thriller, boy, it's a comedy."

"A what?"

"You heard me, Elvin, a satirical comedy starring James Franco and Seth Rogen."

"You mean those two kids who used to be in 'Freaks and Geeks,' Rube?  Heck, I used to watch that show."

"You and about two other people, that's why it wasn't renewed.  Seth Rogen co-directed this movie.  Damn fool kid, making a comedy about assassinating a fur-rin leader."

"Calm down, Rube, it's only a movie, innit?  Just as long as it wasn't the real North Korean leader they's talkin' about, so long as the leader was made up . . . wait, why you lookin' at me like that, Rube?  Are you tryin' to tell me . . ."

"Yep. Kim Jong Un, the real-life leader of North Korea, is a character in The Interview."

"Why, those kids are the biggest fools in the U.S. of A., Rube.  They're lucky no one's tried nothin' to retal-yate."

"Where you been, Elvin?  Some hackers, prob'ly computer whiz kids north of the 38th parallel, hacked Sony Pictures, the studio that produced The Interview, and made public all this private info about how much studio bosses make, how much actors make, the negative opinions studio bosses have of their own stars, and racially charged guesses as to what kind of movies Obama be likin'."

"I always thought our Prez liked French New Wave movies myself.  Damn, that's serious.  Only good thing I can see about that is, that sure does give the film some publicity."  

"Not the kind of publicity the studio wanted.  Seems this group out there threatened violence against any theater showin' it."

"That's bad. I wouldn't go an' see it even if you paid me $42 million to see it!"

"Funny you should use that figure, Elvin, 'cause that's how much this movie cost to make.  Well, anyway, seems nobody gonna be seein' it.  Sony decided not to release it when the threats against the theaters were made."

"Them dadburned fools, Rogen and Franco.  And Sony too!  Don't they realize what a crazy idea this was to make a film like this, and usin' real-life people and makin' illusions to real-world geopolitical ishas?" 

"Well, Elvin . . . some folks are outraged by Sony's decision not to release this here film.  Judd Apatow, who produced 'Freaks and Geeks,' and knows those Franco and Rogen kids, said, 'I think it is disgraceful that these theaters are not showing The Interview. Will they pull any movie that gets an anonymous threat now? What if an anonymous person got offended by something an executive at Coke said?  Will we all have to stop drinking Coke?'"

"Well, I can think of better reasons to stop drinking Coke."

"Different issue, Elvin.  What's important here is that if hackers can do all this, who knows what some anonymous hacker can do over somethin' more serious than a movie. Also, there's the issue how terrorist groups can use their computers to make people give in to their demands and prevent them from putting out movies, books or TV shows, no matter how tasteless they be.  Terror groups of all sorts can restrict free speech with acts like this, which is purty scary, if you ask me."

"Good points, Rube, this might even encourage people to see this film themselves, even if they have to pirate a copy to do it."

"Way I reckon, Elvin, you'll have an easier time findin' a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special on Beta tape."

"Dang, I wanted to see that when it was on TV, but my mama grounded me from watching the tube that week 'cause I left the bathroom a mess."

"Dang, Elvin, your mama done do you a favor.  But I don't see who benefits from what happened with The Interview, even if the critics who did see it found it overacted and lacking in subtlety, 'cept the folks who made the threats."

"Say, Rube, who's this group threatening attacks if this movie ever gets released in theaters?"

"The Guardians of Peace."

*

How else, other than through fictional dialogue, can I explain this story?  As for Sony, what were they thinking?