Various Possible Effects Of Irene

I had been looking on the bright side of Hurricane Irene's impact on the greater New York area this Sunday, but it's turning out there is no bright side. It could be the most powerful and destructive hurricane to hit my neck of the woods since 1938. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, my parents hadn't been born yet and the hottest young actress in Hollywood was Hepburn. Not Audrey, Katharine. And if I'm not mistaken, she got caught in that storm while in Connecticut.

Here's an idea of what you can expect as a result of Irene:

Hyperlocal news sites, including the ones I work for, might go out of business.

The U.S. Open may have to be delayed . . . until the middle of October.

Your cousin in Florida might encourage you to move down there, where it's safer.

Portable toilet rentals could figuratively go through the roof.

Trees could go through the roof . . . and into the living room.

Don't plan on seeing the latest Helen Mirren movie opening Wednesday . . . unless your local movie theater has a bicycle generator for the projector.

The Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial dedication in Washington this weekend will be remembered by "I Have a Nightmare" headlines.

The forks of Long Island will become separate islands, and Fire Island could just be plain put out.

If Fire Island sinks into the sea, expect Pat Robertson to refer to it as God's retribution against gays.

People with active Facebook pages are suddenly going to have no social life.

Coffee houses will have nothing but acoustic musicians . . . and rappers are going to have to go back to human beat box members.

We can forget the new fall television season . . . and that might be a good thing.

Rain water collected in any trash cans that don't blow away is suddenly going to taste good.

With the power out for possibly a month, you might have to cultivate new habits, such as reading a book or talking to your relatives.

If you don't recall seeing such a huge lake near your house before, that's because you never did. But if the edge of a new lake is right along your backyard, your property values might suddenly increase. (Okay, so there's one bright side . . ..)

Cities will look like Berlin after the war . . . except Newark, which already does. That will look more like Hiroshima after the bomb.

As for Labor Day weekend . . . then we're gonna party like it's 1899!