An Open Letter To Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY)

Dear Representative Weiner:

What's it like to be a total jerk?

Let me see if I've got this straight, Tony. You sent a lewd photo of yourself to a 22-year-old woman in Seattle via Twitter. You mistakenly put it on your own Twitter page, then removed it after someone had seen it and told everyone your Twitter account was hacked, essentially lying about it. You blamed Andrew Breitbart, the right-wing blogger, for implicating you in an Internet sexual flirting scandal, even though you sent lewder photos of yourself to a couple of other women. Well, maybe six women. And after trying to pretend you did nothing wrong, you had to go before the national media in a press conference and confess, answering all of their questions in the hope that this would clear the air but instead encouraging even more questions, such as whether you used government computers or violated congressional rules.

And you think an apology and a desire to move on is going to solve everything?

Tony, you just made a fool out of yourself, your very attractive wife, and your staffers. You've inspired a new sitcom - "$#*! My Congressman Does." You have Nancy Pelosi - not Speaker Boehner, not Eric Cantor, Nancy Pelosi - calling for an investigation by the House Ethics Committee. And worst of all, you've legitimized Andrew Breitbart!!

How do you account for all of this? Good grief, Tony, you've given your fellow New York Democratic congressman Steve Israel a hard row to hoe here. He has to convince voters in 24 swing House districts - in a national House district map sure to favor Republicans - to give the Democrats another chance in 2012. He had Republican plans to end Medicare as we know it in his favor. But instead of talking about Medicare "reform," Washington is talking about you! And moderate, independent voters like that farmer in Indiana or that suburbanite in New Jersey will have a hard time taking Democrats seriously if you stick around and continue to embody the typical House Democrat. Voters would rather vote for a House candidate who seeks to gut Medicare than vote for someone from a party representing moral irrectitude. And when they vote Republican, they do both! And thanks to you, it ain't gonna matter! Right-wing talk radio hosts are already painting you as emblematic of Democratic party values!

Wait! Now there are new revelations of Internet sex chatter with a Vegas card dealer? And there are more pictures that's going to make that underpants photo look like a Hallmark card design? Tony, give it up. You helped get health care reform (such as it is) passed, you've done your duty, now just go back to Brooklyn, or Queens, or wherever. You're an embarrassment to the Democratic party, and you're an embarrassment to Congress.

You know how bad this looks for everyone, Tony? Take me, for example. I'm the same age as you are. We're elders of our generation. So is Charlie Sheen. Finally, I thought when I first saw you fight for liberal causes on the floor of the House, a fellow Generation X elder who doesn't humiliate us. Tony, you're making me miss Charlie now. Also, I recently gave my business card, which has my blog's URL on it, to some very nice ladies, including a photographer who used to be a model and a TV news reporter who used to be a dancer. Not to mention a very nice woman who spoke at my writers' group meeting today. Pretty classy women, there. So they check my blog for the first time, but instead of seeing a blog entry about attempts to recall state senators in Wisconsin or the imminent collapse of the government in Yemen and what it means for U.S. national security, they're going to read this. They're going to see that I've written about you - because I have to, because every blog geek in America expects me to opine on your nasty little scandal! Thanks a lot, Tony, thanks a lot.

One thing you did do right, Tony - you got Sarah Palin off the front pages for awhile.

And by the way, if you're reading this, Tony, I hope that's all you're doing on the computer right now.

So, Tony, maybe you ought to just go gently into the good night and do something to turn your life around - like get your own cable TV show, or become a lobbyist. Think of the possibilities, Tony; you can be slimy in either profession and no one will ever condemn you for it. So please do us all a favor and just . . . go . . . away.

Incredulously yours, Steven Maginnis

P.S. Your last name is a good one for you, Tony. You have all the common sense of a Vienna sausage.