Yes, Virginia, There Is a Joe Shlabotnik

Several old "Peanuts" cartoons have been appearing on social media.  A "Peanuts" strip like this one alerted someone on Instagram to the name of one Joe Shlabotnik, who was Charlie Brown's favorite baseball player.

Now, Joe Shlabotnik, it must be understood, was the worst baseball player of all time.  He was constantly getting sent to the minor leagues and was prone to pop up when he tried to hit a home run.  He briefly managed a minor-league team but was fired after one game for calling a squeeze play when there are no men on base - and no, it wasn't a women's baseball league.  When Charlie Brown, his dog Snoopy, and Linus Van Pelt went to a sports banquet at the end of 1969, they bought tickets and got seats at Joe Shlabotnik's table.  As it turned out, Shlabotnik was the only missing athlete.  He didn't show up because he had marked on his calendar the wrong date, the wrong city and the wrong event. 

Anyway, someone on Instagram asked if Joe Shlabotnik is a real baseball player.  Here's what I replied:

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Joe Shlabotnik. He exists as long as failure and ineptitude exist, and you know that they abound to give life its pitfalls and pratfalls. Joe Shlabotnik is everywhere. He is the 1962 Mets. He is the 1964 Phillies. He is the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers. He is the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He is the United States men’s national soccer team in almost any year. He is the United States men’s national field hockey team in every year. As long as there are losers in sports or in anything else, Joe Shlabotnik will always exist."

And I'd like to expand on that.  Joe Shlabotnik is me.  Joe Shlabotnik is you.  I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.  We are all Joe Shlabotnik.  We lose a few, probably more than we win.  And we Americans are and always will be Joe Shlabotnik.  Our President is Joe Shlabotnik  He's turned his supporters and the American elite into Joe Shlabotnik.  Joe Shlabotnik is our health care system.  Joe Shlabotnik is our transportation system.  Joe Shlabotnik is our popular culture.  Everyone in America is Joe Shlabotnik.  No Joe Shlabotnik?  That would be like saying there is no Virginia.  Or no West Virginia.  Joe Shlabotnik, like violence, is as American as cherry pie.  

Joe Shlabotnik is a true American hero. I come here to bury, not praise, Joe Shlabotnik.